Francesco Dellamorte: I'd give my life to be dead.
John Slade: The name's Slade.
Julian Rogers: Super. Here's an idea. Why don't you spell it out for me so I can get it right on your tombstone.
Eva: EW! I am so not letting you eat lizards! From now on you are on a strict "no-yuck" diet.
Lt. Jake Stone: Don't ever throw a cat on me again.
Raphael: Oh no, he's turning into that opera guy again.
Maurice L. Pogue: It's so nice seeing all your faces here: John and Susan and Mary and Fred and Ethel, Little Ricky.
Frank Wheeler: Which brings us to... intercourse! Can I have a volunteer?
Birdie: Hey, can I borrow your mother? My Aunt is coming for dinner and she's always getting on my nerves.
Jack Hammond: That's the question on the minds of all your viewers? Whether I run out of gas or not? Tell you what, Jer. You let your viewers know that I hope Miss Voss' fear and my desperation are entertainment enough for them. After all, that is what this is all about, isn't it? The story. As it breaks. Live. Coming to you from the bad guy himself. I mean we wouldn't want your viewers to change the fucking channel, now, would we?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime, grab some dinner, maybe?
Vampira: You mean a date? I thought you were a fag.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: No, no, I'm just a transvestite.
Dr. Alex Hesse: My nipples are very sensitive.
Felicia: Oh, you can't do that with a ping-pong ball.
Bernadette: Do you wanna bet?
Peter Brackett: Where did you say you were from? Bitchville?
Comuter Voice: Ralph and Damien sleep butt to face, butt to face, butt to face.
Senior in restaurant #1: If you have job, you wear the pants.
Capt. Jason Briggs: Is there a problem with your privates, Private?
Vada: If I get married, I'll never change my name.
Nick: Why? You think the guy should change his name?
Vada: I don't think anybody should change their names, that way you can't find them when you need them.
Nick: What if you don't want to be found?
Vada: Why do you argue with everything I say?
Norville: You know, for kids.
Heather: Barry, I saw you, you were kissing her.
Barry: Once, I kissed her once! God, it's like I can't talk to my friends anymore, I can't believe how posessive you are.
Heather: Oh right, I guess that's why you were feeling her up?
Barry: Look, guys need sex. It's bad for you if you get all worked up and then not get it, you can get "prostrate" cancer. Is that what you want?