Arnold Albertson: Nobody can tell you where your place is, where is my place? Where is anybody's place? You wanna know where it is? Wherever you're happy, that's where your place is. And you're the best judge of that. In central park for instance some people like to feed the nuts to the squirrels but if it makes someone happy to feed squirrels to the nuts, who am I to say nuts to the squirrels?
John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They're all very prim and proper.
Jeremy Klein: Yeah? Well, little miss prim and proper just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
John Beckwith: You look beat. Soft mattress?
Jeremy Klein: Soft mattress? Maybe, or it could have been the midnight rape, or the nude gay art show. I had my sock, the one that I walked around in all day, played football, sweated in, stuffed in my mouth and duct taped in! I'm going to eat my breakfast over here. Don't talk to me.
Carl Peterson: You get your first ten-speed bike, and suddenly you're Lance Armstrong.
Dupree: Let's leave Lance out of this. Guy's done more with one testicle than you and I could do with three.
Molly Peterson: When did we get HBO?
Dupree: Yeah, you saw that. I upgraded us, and I'm going to go halfsies on it 'cause I love it also.
Carl Peterson: What's with this 'Roman Holiday' obssesion? Your favorite movie is 'Fletch'.
Dupree: It's in my top five, but it's not my favorite.
Dupree: Listen, if I got to be the lovable fuckup all my life to win your best friend prize, maybe you should keep your award.
Carl Peterson: I got news for you Dupree. You're not that lovable.
Toshi: But, Mr. Dupree, I don't play baseball. I'm in the orchestra.
Dupree: First, call me Dupree 'cause I'm your teammate. Second, so what if you're in the orchestra? So was Catfish Hunter.
Hansel: So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realise "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"
Derek Zoolander: And?
Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
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