Gilbert: Every theatrical performance is a contrivance by its very nature.
Sullivan: Yes, but this piece consists entirely of an artificial and implausible situation.
Gilbert: If you wish to write a Grand Opera about a prostitute, dying of consumption in a garret, I suggest you contact Mr Ibsen in Oslo. I am sure he will be able to furnish you with something suitably dull.
Sarah Lewis: I don't deserve heaven.
Ben Holmes: Oh Sarah, you deserve so much more than you think you do.
Jordan Armstrong: You know, maybe if I had the luxury of getting my ass whooped, I could be calm right now. But I have been drinking tequila shots, my hormones are raging out of control, I'm emotional, I'm horny, and I don't wanna hear about no goddamn peas! Fuck you! Good night.
Sly: They've got Whit.
Dan: Who's got Whit? Wait, you're Whit.
Zenon: Zetus lupetus.
Larry Mann: Sometimes you gotta chew your own leg off to get out of life's traps.
Daniel McMann: Look at the buses, watch 'em.
Carla Tate: Why, what are they gonna do?
Daniel McMann: They pull in, and then they pull out, and they turn, and they back up.
Lex: Mrs. Bruce is a psycho bitch from Hell.
Eddie: Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that.
Ann: He said not to ever do that to me again. He said that if you do he'll have you taken off to prison and locked up and you'll never ever see me again, and you'll have to eat ice-cream on your own.
Adele: You went too far with the ice cream business. He did not say that.
Ann: Yes, he did.
Adele: No, he did not.
Ann: And he wants to adopt me. He finds me very attractive.
Adele: ...Thank you Ann, Thank you. And your fiance will be back here in 2 minutes to see if we moved the car.
Gladys Leeman: Our 2nd runner-up and winner of a $50 scholarship to the Vo-Tech of her choice is Leslie Miller.
Sheriff Chappy Dent: Give me the meanest steak you got! Rare, and I mean rare! Just de-horn it, wipe its butt and send it in.
Leigh Ann Watson: It's completely factual, she was burned at the stake.
Mrs. Tingle: Always the victim, aren't we, Ms. Watson?
Leigh Ann Watson: Well there are certain similarities between society today and seventeenth century Salem. I guess that would be the irony of it all.
Mrs. Tingle: Irony is the opposite of what is or might be expected. For example, if Ms. Watson was expecting an A on her history project, she might find the actual result to be rather ironic.
Voice of the Announcer: Meanwhile, back at Snidely's not-so-secret hideout.
The Man: Something that's good can still have a little bit of bad in it, and something that's bad still has a little bit of good.
Mrs. Shah: I will never allow my daughters to marry into this jungly family of half-breeds.
Ella Khan: Well they may be half-bred, but at least they're not friggin' inbred like those two monstrosities.
Ronna: I need a favor.
Todd: Wow, I didn't know we were such good friends, Ronna! Because if we were, you would know I give head before I give favors and I didn't even give my best friends head, so the chances of your getting a favor is pretty fucking slim.
Tammy Metzler: If you died right now, I would throw myself into one of my Dad's cement trucks and get poured into your tomb.
Michael Felgate: Well at least tell me what his restaurant is called, then I can sneak in, in a beard or something.
Gina Vitale: It's called The La Trattoria.
Michael Felgate: You mean La Trattoria.
Gina Vitale: No.
Michael Felgate: The La Trattoria means The The Trattoria.
Gina Vitale: I know.
Michael Felgate: Interesting. Look I have to go to the La Bathroom, and I'll be back in a sec.