T.J. Hicks: You know, Antoine's got a really bad temper. One time, I dropped a cigar ash on his carpet, and he made me pick it up with my anus.
Deuce Bigalow: Wow! What are those?
Antoine Laconte: Medieval weapons. I'm a collector. They're worth twice as much if they've killed somebody.
Deuce Bigalow: I collect Canadian quarters. I've got about six of 'em.
T.J. Hicks: This next date is what we man-pimps call a doozy.
Deuce Bigalow: What's wrong with this one?
T.J. Hicks: Nothin'.
Deuce Bigalow: Have you seen her? What is she 80? A hunchback?
T.J. Hicks: She just got outta college. Some of her girlfriends pitched in to get her a little beefcake. She thinks it's a blind date.
Deuce Bigalow: It's a guy isn't it?
T.J. Hicks: I don't think so, but I have been fooled before.
T.J. Hicks: Deuce, you the best he-bitch in my man stable. If I had two more manginas like you, I'd be a millionaire.
T.J. Hicks: Claire said Antoine's apartment was messed up, but I had no idea.
Deuce Bigalow: Claire?
T.J. Hicks: The hooker you ass-punched.
T.J. Hicks: See this ring? Topaz, my mother's birthstone. Know where I got the money for it?
Deuce Bigalow: Where?
T.J. Hicks: Man-whoring! See this keychain? Mini yo-yo. Know where I got the money for it?
Deuce Bigalow: Man-whoring?
T.J. Hicks: Stock market! But I got the money for the stock market from man-whoring.
T.J. Hicks: What about Antoine's apartment?
Deuce Bigalow: I'm gonna get the rest of the money the old-fashioned way.
T.J. Hicks: You gonna steal it?
Kate: I don't see how it could possibly be pleasurable for a woman. I just don't think it's natural. You're not supposed to go up there. To tell you the truth, I don't know how men do it either.
Deuce Bigalow: You're not curious, just to try something new?
Kate: I'm just not into it.
Deuce Bigalow: So space exploration is definitely out for you?
Kate: Definitely. I mean, more power to any woman who wants to be an astronaut. I just wouldn't do it. Frankly, I'd rather take it up the butt.
T.J. Hicks: Don't make me he-bitch man-slap you.
Bob Bigalow: Raspberry Bibingka! Ah, you shouldn't have. My wife, God rest her soul, used to make this all the time. You would've liked her. Bangkok Betty. She had the most amazing mouth. It paid for our honeymoon.
Fluisa: Cakes And Pies! Cakes And Pies.
Fluisa: You ever parked your bicycle in an airplane hangar?
Deuce Bigalow: I'm sorry?
Fluisa: You ever thrown a toothpick into a volcano?
Antoine Laconte: I'm a gigolo.
Deuce Bigalow: Giga-who?
Antoine Laconte: Women pay me to... give them pleasure.
Deuce Bigalow: How did you get that job?
Antoine Laconte: I just sort of fell into it.
Deuce Bigalow: I'm gonna kill my guidance counselor.
Detective Fowler: Do the letters T and J mean anything to you?
Deuce Bigalow: I don't know. Turkey Jizz?
Ruth: BALL-HAIR.
Deuce Bigalow: Yeah, ball-hair, what we need is a strike here.
Fluisa: He made me realise that I wasn't just some hot babe with huge tits, even though I am.
Deuce Bigalow: Where am I supposed to get six thousand dollars in three weeks?
Deuce Bigalow: I guess I'll just take some sea snails.
Deuce Bigalow: Look, I think there's been a mistake.
Fluisa: Did you say steak?
Deuce Bigalow: No mistake.
Fluisa: Oh see now you got me all excited.
Antoine Laconte: This is a 14th century Hungarian crossbow. It has killed a king and changed the history of Europe. You mess up anything in my apartment, I'll shove it up your ass.
