Best comedy movie quotes of 1999

Capt. James West: Never drum on a white lady's boobies at a big redneck dance. Got it.

Leo Morton: Ed, can you take that Delta?
Ed Clabes: No, I can't take the Delta, my airspace is finite.
Barry Plotkin: Uh-oh, Ed's going down the drain.
Ed Clabes: I am not going down the drain.
Barry Plotkin: Oh yes you are. It happens every time you use the term "finite."

Stan: Love is just lust in disguise, and lust fades, so you damn well better be with someone who can stand you.

Dave: Why are we doing this?
Chase: As a protest.
Dave: Of what?
Ray: People, right?
Chase: Sheep.
Ray: Check, Dave. We're doing this to protest sheep.
Dave: And what specifically about sheep do we object to?
Ray: Chase?
Chase: General herding mentality.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh look at you, my pretty little girl, sitting there with your face all painted up in your little halter top, you're nothing but a little slut.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Don't call me that! I'm a Puerto Rican lady senor.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: You're nothing but a little slut, Sybill Ann Dorsett, we know you're a little slut.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I'm not a slut. I'm not a slut. I'm not a slut. I'm not a slut. I'M no slut.

Maggie Carpenter: I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up.

Rob Geller: See ya around the Cell Block, Mrs. Robinson.

Sarah Lewis: I don't deserve heaven.
Ben Holmes: Oh Sarah, you deserve so much more than you think you do.

Jordan Armstrong: You know, maybe if I had the luxury of getting my ass whooped, I could be calm right now. But I have been drinking tequila shots, my hormones are raging out of control, I'm emotional, I'm horny, and I don't wanna hear about no goddamn peas! Fuck you! Good night.

Sly: They've got Whit.
Dan: Who's got Whit? Wait, you're Whit.

Henry: The cops are around, we gotta lay low for a while... wow, I never thought I'd say that.

Coleye: This is similar to the Martian incident of 1963.
Armitan: Careful, stupid. Not only is that incident classified, it never happened.

Courtney: I taught you to disrespect us?
Fern: You taught me to rule.
Courtney: That's right! Rule, bitch! But don't forget who made you.

Val Resnick: The problem with kicking a Chow's ass is an hour later you wanna do it again.

T.J. Hicks: You know, Antoine's got a really bad temper. One time, I dropped a cigar ash on his carpet, and he made me pick it up with my anus.

Sonny: I know this is the right thing because I would die for this kid just so he won't feel one ounce of sadness. That's why you're here right now, to protect me, to be scared for me to be a good father. And that's exactly what I'm gonna be.

Ed Singer: They are coming to Earth, aren't they?
Gonzo: I don't know.
Ed Singer: How many of them are there?
Gonzo: I don't know.
Ed Singer: When will they be here? And don't you dare tell me that you don't know.
Gonzo: I know not?

Adam: Manners are a way of showing other people we care about them.

Anton: Hey, I didn't kill anyone on purpose, okay?
Mick: Yeah, well, we weren't in hell! I mean, there was this bright white light at the end of a long tunnel, right, and there was these chicks' voices, and that music.
Anton: Music?
Pnub: Yeah, kinda uncool music, like, Enya. And these chicks' voices, they were saying, "come to us, come towards the light."
Anton: So what happened?
Mick: We figured, fuck it, I mean, it was really far.

Richard Twat: As we always say at the Guest House Paradiso: Have fun, don't go in the water if you know what's good for you and try not to get shit on the sheets.