Craig Schwartz: I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.
Maxine: Yes?
Craig Schwartz: I think maybe you're on to something.
Maxine: And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.
Ruth Barron: Ok tampax tool, I'm gonna give it to you right up your arse. All this "man-hating" shit for a start. "Oh she criticised me, I'll call her a man hater!" I know what you want from me, you just want a youthful pussy transfusion, preferably one you can take home to show the men folk what a beautiful post you got to piss on. Jeans pressed, cowboy boots... is that a uniform for individuals, is it? I want a young man.
PJ Waters: Your physical superiority makes you unkind.
Ann: He said not to ever do that to me again. He said that if you do he'll have you taken off to prison and locked up and you'll never ever see me again, and you'll have to eat ice-cream on your own.
Adele: You went too far with the ice cream business. He did not say that.
Ann: Yes, he did.
Adele: No, he did not.
Ann: And he wants to adopt me. He finds me very attractive.
Adele: ...Thank you Ann, Thank you. And your fiance will be back here in 2 minutes to see if we moved the car.
Miles Logan: Yo tengo el gato los pantalones.
Carlson: You just said you have a cat in your pants.
Bob Walker: Throw me in the water and see if I can swim.
Larry Mann: I think you're missing the point here Bob, we're about to throw you off a cliff and see if you can fly.
Leigh Ann Watson: It's completely factual, she was burned at the stake.
Mrs. Tingle: Always the victim, aren't we, Ms. Watson?
Leigh Ann Watson: Well there are certain similarities between society today and seventeenth century Salem. I guess that would be the irony of it all.
Mrs. Tingle: Irony is the opposite of what is or might be expected. For example, if Ms. Watson was expecting an A on her history project, she might find the actual result to be rather ironic.
Robert K. Bowfinger: I'm 49 years old. Admittedly, I could get away with 44, 41, maybe 38. When you hit 50 they don't hire you anymore. It's like they can smell 50.
Eddie: I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
Mrs. Shah: I will never allow my daughters to marry into this jungly family of half-breeds.
Ella Khan: Well they may be half-bred, but at least they're not friggin' inbred like those two monstrosities.
Hawk: Will you guys quit the mom-bashing? I mean, look, look, Lex's mom is cool because she lets us spend the night, and if it wasn't for your mom, Trip, we wouldn't have smoked that fine Panama Red last night! So, leave the women who gave you life out of it, they're both cool in my book.
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: If you ever leave me with a kid again I'll make sure you never have one. You have no idea what those screaming booger eaters are like. They expect you to... know stuff.
Michael Felgate: Well at least tell me what his restaurant is called, then I can sneak in, in a beard or something.
Gina Vitale: It's called The La Trattoria.
Michael Felgate: You mean La Trattoria.
Gina Vitale: No.
Michael Felgate: The La Trattoria means The The Trattoria.
Gina Vitale: I know.
Michael Felgate: Interesting. Look I have to go to the La Bathroom, and I'll be back in a sec.