Bud Kilmer: It makes me wonder if you know the different between a sneeze and a wet fart.
Charlie Tweeder: Ladies, shut up and hold on to your nipples.
Sam Moxon: I raised you to be a winner, so dammit boy, win.
Jonathon "Mox' Moxon: Now, we go out there and we half-ass it because we're scared, all we're left with is an excuse. We're always gonna wonder. But, we go out there and we give it absolutely everything... that's heroic. Let's be heroes.
Bud Kilmer: Never show weakness, the only pain that matters is the pain you inflict.
Charlie Tweeder: Jonathan Moxon your are under arrest for not being naked with some sophomore chick who wants to bathe you with her tongue, now take off your god damn clothes and get in the car.
Tweeder: Well we're all naked in there and we've got handcuffs and cool shit to play with so take off your clothes and get in the car.
Mox: In America, we have laws. Laws against killing, laws against stealing. And it is just accepted that as a member of American society, you will live by these laws. In West Canaan, Texas, there is another society which has it's own laws. Football is a way of life.
Mox: Playing football at West Canaan may have been the opportunity of your lifetime, but I don't want your life.
Coach Bud Kilmer: Your daddy was a no-talent pussy, but at least he listened.
Charlie Tweeder: What is up with Carrie Ann Baker?
Billy Bob: Darcy's friend?
Charlie Tweeder: Oh my God! She's got this look. Like, I just fell out of the I'm-gonna-suck-your-dick tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Billy Bob: It's a strip club, man. I'm here to work.
Mo Moxon: Kyle, did you start a cult?
Mo Moxon: That is so sweet.
Charlie Tweeder: Say I'm stupid and I'm about to get hit in the nuts.
Billy Bob: That's funny.
Charlie Tweeder: Ain't it funny? That's what I mean. See they need to change the name of the show to America's funniest shots in the nuts.
Darcy: Baby I got so excited thinking about next year and Florida state and the future, I think I need to be your wide receiver.
Lance: Here baby.
Darcy: Well not "here" here, but somewhere here.
Miss Davis: Can anyone tell me a common slang term for the male erection?
Student: Boner? Is boner one?
Miss Davis: Yes! Boner is good, boner is very good.
Coach Bud Kilmer: Cry me a river, you fat fucking baby.