Quotes from Jack Nicholson movies and TV shows

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Below are some quotes involving Jack Nicholson - click the title to view the complete list. If you think their finest moments are missing from the full list, please submit them.

Melvin Udall: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.
Carol Connelly: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Melvin Udall: Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I've got this, what - ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I *hate* pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... All right, well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.
Carol Connelly: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
Melvin Udall: You make me want to be a better man.
Carol Connelly: ...That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Melvin Udall: Well, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.

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Secretary: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

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Melvin Udall: Judging from your eyes, I'd say you were fifty.
Carol Connelly: Judging from your eyes, I'd say you were kind, so so much for eyes.

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Melvin: You make me want to be a better man.

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Melvin: Is he dead yet?
Nora: No. Would there be any way that you would be willing to walk his dog for him?
Melvin: Absolutely.
Nora: You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock would be a good time. And here is the key in case he is asleep. Open his curtains for him, so he can see God's beautiful work, and he'll know that even things like this happen for the best.
Melvin: Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City sailor wanna hump hump bar? Or is this getaway day in your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.

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Melvin Udall: I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence, " and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

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Melvin Udall: I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!

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Simon Bishop: Thank you, Melvin. You... Overwhelm me. I love you.
Melvin Udall: I tell you, buddy... I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.

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Melvin: People that talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.

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Melvin: Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States, and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for any reason. Do you get me sweetheart?

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Carol Connelly: Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Melvin Udall: Yes I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal, and you have.

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Melvin: Never, never interrupt me, okay? Not if there is a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hankie to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking.

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Melvin Udall: You're a disgrace to depression.

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The Joker: This town needs an enema!

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The Joker: And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is the Batman? HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS TIGHTS!

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Vicki Vale: You're insane.
The Joker: Thought I was a Pisces.

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Jack Napier: Never rub another man's rhubarb.

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Joker: Batman? Batman? Could somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in where a man dressed up as a bat gets all of my press?

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Carl Grissom: That you, sugar bumps?
[Grissom turns around and sees a shadowy figure.]
Carl Grissom: Who the hell are you?
The Joker: It's me... Sugar bumps.
Carl Grissom: Jack? Oh. Oh. Thank god you're alive. I've heard you've been...
The Joker: Fried? Is that what you heard?
[Joker takes a few steps towards Grissom, then stops.]
The Joker: You set me up over a woman. A WOMAN! You must be insane.
[Grissom takes a drink from his glass. He then walks to his desk to pour another drink and get his gun. The Joker pulls out a gun and points it at Grissom.]
The Joker: Don't bother.
[Grissom puts down the container of alcohol and leaves the gun where it is. He then turns angrily to the Joker.]
Carl Grissom: Your life won't be worth spit!
The Joker: I've been dead once already. It's very liberating. You should think of it as, uh...therapy.
Carl Grissom: Jack...listen...maybe we can cut a deal.
[The Joker starts walking into the light and removes his hat.]
The Joker: Jack? Jack is dead, my friend. You can call me...Joker. And as you can see, I'm a lot happier.

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The Joker: I am the world's first, fully functional, homicidal artist. I make art until somebody dies.

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