Lou: So my boss, he was talking to me about how many sick days I've taken. And I was like, you know 'Don't go there, ' you know. But he kept on about wanting to see some kind of a doctor's note or something. And I said 'Look, I'm seriously serious. You don't want to go there. He kept talking and talking and being such a nag, and I just blacked out. I blacked out. And I woke up, and I was standing over him and I was screaming "I told you not to go there! I told you not to go there!"
Dave Buznik: Five hour drive to find out mommy had a jelly bean removed from her nose... Glad I missed work. Can we eat now?
Chuck: Yeah? And I'm sure I just heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark.
Dave Buznik: Are you Jewish?
Chuck: I could be, but no. Half Irish, half Italian, half Mexican.
Dave Buznik: Why couldn't you have told her something else? I was at the bank! I was at the store! I ate bad guacamole and couldn't stop shitting! Any of those things would have been fine.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Let me explain something to you, Dave. There are two kinds of angry people in this world: explosive and implosive. Explosive is the kind of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking their coupons. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and finally shoots everyone in the store. You're the cashier.
Dave Buznik: No, no, no. I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section dialling 911. I swear.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave assaulted a female flight attendant in mid-air.
Gina: I bet you beat her good.
Dave Buznik: I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman.
Chuck: Liar, bullshitter, you're a woman beater! And you can't admit it, because you're a deluded piece of garbage.
Dave Buznik: I don't know about all that but... now I know why you're here.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: So Peanut likes the spicy humor. Maybe he'd enjoy the knee-slapper you told me earlier about the great Buddha.
Older Arnie Shankman: Oh, what did you say about Buddha?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave said, "How does a guy who weighs over six hundred pounds have the balls to teach people about self-discipline?"
Visible crew/equipment: In the scene after the huge fight with the Buddists, Jack Nicholson speeds off in his Land Rover and cuts into traffic to get away from the monastary. If you look three cars back there is a state trooper weaving through both lanes to make sure the set is closed. He stays visible throughout the scene. (01:07:35)
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