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Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater - S2-E1

Stewie: I say, mother, this hotdog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
Lois: Honey, I'll be right there.
Stewie: Oh, by all means, take your time. Oh and when you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies a belly that protrudes halfway to bloody Boston! (00:00:31)

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Brian: Portrait of a Dog - S1-E7

Peter: Sometimes we all need a second chance. Sometimes, we all need to forgive!
Chris: I stole ten dollars from Meg's room.
Meg: I stole ten dollars from mom's purse.
Lois: I've been making counterfeit ten dollar bills for years. (00:20:09)

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Brian: Portrait of a Dog - S1-E7

Brian: I can never go back to the way things were! Not after the way I was treated. Not after the things I've seen...
Chris: What did you see? W-Was it breasts!? (00:11:50)

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Brian: Portrait of a Dog - S1-E7

Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans!
Chris: Yeah, well... You're hogging up all the ugly! (00:03:12)

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Agent H: God, we drank from that.
Agent M: Oh, God I thought it tasted like a living beard. (01:10:24)

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Officer Chandler: People being afraid of guns is silly. And I'm sick of it! (01:10:48)

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The Son Also Draws - S1-E6

Tree: Hot enough for ya?
Peter: Wha-what?
Tree: I say, hot enough for ya?
Peter: Uh, yeah, I guess...Oh my God I'm... I'm communicating with nature! Uh uh, hey um... tree! If one of you falls and there's no-one around. D-do you make a noise?
Tree: Are you kidding? Scott fell last week, he hasn't shut up about it since!
Scott: Sure! Stand there and bitch! But would any of you take the time to help me!?
Tree #3: Ooh ooh, I'm playing the world's smallest violin, Scott. (00:17:38)

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The Son Also Draws - S1-E6

[Peter is eating cereal].
Peter: Oh my God, Brian... There's a message in my Alpha Bits... It says "Ooooooo".
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios. (00:16:02)

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The Son Also Draws - S1-E6

Chris: Uh, dad. What would you say if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts?
Peter: I'd say 'come again!?'. Then I'd laugh cause I said 'cum'. But thank God that's not the case, eh? You're a Scout! And you know what that means? That means I love ya!
[Chris groans in frustrated annoyance.] (00:03:01)

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Mind over Murder - S1-E4

Peter: Isn't it great? Oh boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff, and I have a criminal record. (00:10:00)

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Mom Chandler: Sometimes I have dreams that... hundreds of pairs of underwear envelop me.

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Wu Zhang: You were supposed to protect my daughter with your life. If you did your job right, you'd be dead. (00:13:24)

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Hush: This just gets better and better. (00:33:45)

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Lex Luthor: Would you like a printout? Maybe some hot cocoa before you leave?
Batman: I have what I need.
Lex Luthor: What you need, is to show me some respect. I saved all your asses against Cyborg Superman, and I'll remind you I'm a Justice League member now.
Batman: Probationary member. Don't call us, we'll call you. (00:25:44)

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Catwoman: [Spanks a thug with her whip] You know, some guys pay for that. (00:12:36)

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Cop: Captain, no mater how hard we beat the shit out of him, he won't shut up. I don't know what to do.

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Ash: When I was little my savta taught me that me that silence was a woman's best garment...[fires an explosive breach charge at a wall]. But, I have to admit... I never really took her advice to heart.

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Thatcher: GPS satellites, unmanned drones, fucking laser sites... the more crutches you have, the more it hurts when they're kicked out from under ya. If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that a six inch blade never loses reception.

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Clash: No running in the halls!

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Stu: If I do get a medal, I'm gonna donate it to an orphanage. Just to inspire those little shits. (01:24:27)

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