Jay: In this world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us!
Joe Dirt: So, you're gonna tell me, that you don't have no black cats, no Roman candles, or screamin' mimis?
Kicking Wing: No.
Joe Dirt: Oh come on man. You don't got no lady fingers, buzz bottles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zip-a-dee-do-dahs, crap flappers?
Kicking Wing: No, I don't.
Joe Dirt: You're gonna stand there, owning a firework stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honker lighters, huskers dus, husker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy dazers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whisking kitty chaser?
William: Father, I am afraid, I won't know the way back home.
John Thatcher: Don't be foolish, William, you just follow your feet.
Enrico Pollini: Am I too late-a? Look I won a coin, a gold coin-a, isn't it wonderful? Look at this room, what a beautiful room, have you seen this room?
Randy Pear: Yes! We're IN it.
Carmen Cortez: Spy work, that's easy. Keeping a family together, that's difficult. And that's the mission worth fighting for.
Jimmy Mitchelson: He wants to marry his sister.
Freddy: He better not come back.
Jimmy Mitchelson: Yeah, that's right, or we'll tie you to a tree, fuck you in the ass while we jerk you off. Show you what we really do to perverts around here.
Charisse Slocumb: Bernice Talbot? My-my husband done did it wit' that child in that "Shop-Well" parking lot? lord take ME NOW.
Offscreen voice: THAT'S A huge bitch.
Jamal: Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the presence of fear, but the will to move on.
Henry Denton: Who is it?
Lottie: Oh, I'm ever so sorry, sir.
Henry Denton: Sorry for what?
Lottie: I'm supposed to get the fire lit without waking you.
Henry Denton: Why does everyone treat me as if I were one of these stupid snobs? I spent half the week downstairs with all of you.
Lottie: You can't be on both teams at once, sir.
Rahul Chadha: I just fell from grace.
Saroj Rai: My darling, you have to be standing up in order to be able to fall. I mean, if you keep sitting on your ass, nothing's gonna happen. "Only brave warriors fall off their horses in battle. How can kneeling cowards know what a fall is?" Listen sweetheart, the main thing is, you have to fight the battle.
Priscilla: You put the "suck" in "liposuction" You put the "ooo" in "jiu-jitsu" You put the "ism" in "This is all just a defense mechanism."
J.B.: Pootie Tang will draw you a picture of how he gonna kick your ass, then mail it to you ten days in advance. The picture gets there right? You're goin', "What the hell is this?" and then Pootie Tang knocks on your door, Promptly kicks your ass and you still won't know what happened to you.
Shanté Smith: Hmm, men. They like a woman in public...and a freak in private.
Team Evil Coach Hung: Those American drugs work better than expected.
Matt: Would you like a falafel with that?
Orin Boyd: Good evening, Commander.
Annette Mulcahy: What are you doing here Boyd?
Orin Boyd: You said you wanted to see me.
Annette Mulcahy: In my office, not here.
Orin Boyd: Yeah, but I'm here now. So let's talk.
Mulcahy's Date: I'm sorry, but we were actually right in the middle.
Orin Boyd: Why don't you take a walk?
Leroy: Kevlar is for pussies.