Catherine: I'm gonna go fuck a complete stranger.
Complete Stranger: Hey, I'm a complete stranger.
The Coach: Can he still play?
Trainer: He's in a coma!
The Coach: Answer the question!
Mitch: No longer will our penises be flaccid and unused.
Bruce: No longer we steal grandfather's porn.
Ox: No longer we will wear blindfolds while jerking each other off.
Austin: All I said was: "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear so that Jake here thinks I'm telling you a secret, which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession where he actually reveals a big secret. Thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."
Teen at prom: Who would've guessed that everyone in school was a professional dancer?
Priscilla: This is not a cheer-ocracy, I am the cheer-tator, I will make the cheer-isions around here, and I will deal with the cheer-onsequences.
Cheerleader: You better bring it.
Priscilla: Oh, it's already been brought-en.
Priscilla: You put the "suck" in "liposuction" You put the "ooo" in "jiu-jitsu" You put the "ism" in "This is all just a defense mechanism."
Austin: Let's make like a tree and... Branch!
Jake: How could Priscilla dump me, Jake Wyler? I mean who the hell does she think she is?
Austin: I got two words for ya, Jake: Prom Queen... Material.
Jake: Austin, she's an illusion. Ok, you take away the make-up, the clothes, the way she wears her hair, the smell of her perfume, that cute little face she makes when she's tonguing my balls. Look she's totally replaceable.
Preston: Hey guys, welcome to the party. If you're gonna have sex, please - do it in my parents' bedroom.
Flight attendant: We all know where this is going... Fucking teenagers.
Jake: She's right... Maybe you should get on that plane to Paris. Cause if you stay, we really only have the summer, then I go to college and we'll talk on the phone and spend the occasional weekend together which is nice. But chances are one night I'm gonna get wrecked and have unprotected sex with some girl in my dorm. You'll find her thong and call me a slut... I'll call you a cock-tease and we'll break up. So when you really think about it, what's the point?
Catherine: Can I ask you a question? Why is it then whenever I tell a guy to put it wherever they want, they always stick it in my ass?
Jake: That's way too much information for me, Catherine.
Catherine: Oh no Jake. Way too much information would be telling you that whenever they're done I always take a huge dump.
Catherine: On their chest.
Malik: Oh, that is whack.
Jake: Hey Janey. What's up?
Janey: Excuse me?
Jake: So listen, you ever wondered what it'd be like to be the most popular girl in school?
Janey: You mean anorexic, superficial, a bitch, a whore who lacks any real long-term goals?
Jake: Uhhh ha ha... Exactly. So, if you're interested, I thought that maybe we could go out sometime, be seen in public together.
Janey: You haven't spoken to me in, like, four years Jake.
Jake: Actually, it's more like six, because the time you're referring to when we were standing in line at that movie theater, I was actually saying "hey" to the person right behind you.
Austin: My Freshmen year I threw 176 touchdown passes. My sophomore year I ran in 14 myself... With a sprained ankle, a broken phalange, a ruptured duodenum, and a sub dermal hematoma.
Flight attendant: Let me give you a little piece of advice here, Jake. Why don't you lose the "I'm the cute and sensitive, popular boy with the big side-burns routine. It's just too pathetic! And for once tell Janey what's true in your heart. Stop being such a little bitch! And you Janey! Little miss other-side-of-the-tracks awkward rebel girl with the pseudo-intellectual glasses, why don't you wise-up to Jake's bullshit! Stop being such a dumbass!