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The Stranded - S3-E10

Gwen: I wondered what happened to my fiancé. I know he's here somewhere. Ellen, have you seen my fiancé?
Ellen: He's upstairs.
Gwen: Are you going upstairs? Tell my fiancé I'm looking for him. I have lost my fiancé, the poor baby.
Elaine: [In an Australian accent] Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
Gwen: What?
Elaine: [Australian accent] The dingo ate your baby.

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[Phone Ringing].
Topper Harley: [Answering phone] Butcher of Baghdad, hello.
Woman on Phone: [Indistinct chatter].
Topper: Well, hello.
Saddam: Who is it? Who is it?
Topper: It's your wife, Hillary Rodham Hussein.

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Topper Harley: You're the only one that knows how to get to the copter pad. If I'm not there in 15 minutes, you know what to do.
Colonel Walters: Yeah, we get the hell out of here.
Topper Harley: No. Wait another 15 minutes.

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Commander Arvid Harbinger: War. It's fantastic.

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The Pilot (2) - S4-E24

Stu Chermack: What do you think the real problem is?
Rita Kirson: It's Seinfeld. He can't act. It's pathetic. I told you, these stand-ups can't act. I'm cringing watching him.

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The Pilot (1) - S4-E23

George Costanza: What if the pilot gets picked up and becomes a series?
Dana Foley: That would be wonderful, George. You'll be rich and successful.
George: That's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'll never let me be happy.
Dana: I thought you didn't believe in God.
George: I do for the bad things.
Dana: Do you hear what you're saying? God isn't out to get you, George. What What is that on your lip?
George: What?
Dana: It's like a discoloration. It's white.
George: [Looking at his reflection] Yes. Yes, it's white. Why is that white?
Dana: You better get that checked out.
George: "Better get that checked out"?
Dana: I would.
George: What kind of a therapist are you? I'm telling you I'm scared that something terrible is going to happen to me, right away you start looking for tumors?

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The Virgin - S4-E10

Elaine: Look at George. He lucked out, huh?
Jerry: Oh, you're not kidding. Who'd have figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going.
Elaine: Yeah. Since she met him, she's been vomited on, her family's cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high-paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.

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Danny Vermin: Dames are put on this Earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked.

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The Glasses - S5-E3

Doctor: OK.
Elaine: Okay? That's it? I don't need a shot?
Doctor: Not shot. Dog bite.
Elaine: No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot.
Doctor: Not shot. Dog bite. Woof-woof, not bang-bang.

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Mr. Dundee: All we want is Moronie's money. Go ahead, kid.
Roman Moronie: You fargin sneaky bastige! I gonna take your dwork and I gonna nail it to the wall! I gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder! I gonna cut off your arms! I gonna shove 'em up your icehole! Dirty sum un a batch! My own club!

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The Switch - S6-E11

Jerry Seinfeld: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I have to dress different. I have to act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and...I'd need a new bedspread, new curtains. I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. Of course, I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. No. I'm not ready for it.

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The Switch - S6-E11

George Costanza: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?

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The Gymnast - S6-E6

Mr. Pitt: I have been accused of wrongdoing, but these false accusations will not deter us. We will annex Poland by the spring at any cost! And, our stocks will rise high!

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The Sponge - S7-E9

Pharmacist: Can I help you?
Elaine: Yeah, do you have any Today Sponges? I know they're off the market, but I was...
Pharmacist: Actually we have a case left.
Elaine: A case? A case of Sponges? I, I mean a case. Hah. Uh... H-how...? How many come in a case?
Pharmacist: 60.
Elaine: 60? Um... Well, I'll take 3.
Pharmacist: 3.
Elaine: Well, make it 10.
Pharmacist: 10?
Elaine: 20 Sponges should be plenty.
Pharmacist: Did you say 20?
Elaine: Yeah. 25 Sponges is just fine.
Pharmacist: 25?
Elaine: Yeah.
Pharmacist: You're set with 25?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah. Just give me the whole case, I'll be on my way.

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The Secret Code - S7-E7

Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, my God. Look at this. It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.
George Costanza: "The Rogue's Wallet. It's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding... His name was Costanza. He killed my mother."

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The Yada Yada - S8-E19

Father Curtis: Tell me your sins, my son.
Jerry: Uh, well I should mention that I'm Jewish.
Father Curtis: Oh, that's no sin.
Jerry: Oh, good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I, I have a suspicion he that he converted to Judaism for the jokes.
Father Curtis: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian. And it'll interest you to know, that he's also telling Catholic jokes. And they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.
Father Curtis: I haven't heard that one.
Jerry; Oh, I'm sure you have. They're out on the ocean and yada, yada, yada and she, and she says "those aren't buoys."
Father Curtis: [Laughing].
Jerry: [Father Curtis still laughing] Father.
Father Curtis: One second. [Continues laughing].

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The Little Kicks - S8-E4

George Costanza: Anna told me that Elaine said I was one of the worst seeds she'd ever seen.
Jerry Seinfeld: Interesting. She doesn't care for you. Then a stern warning. Suddenly a phone call. Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs the bad boy.
George: I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy.
Jerry: You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend.
George: Yes. Yes. Yes.
Jerry: The bad fiancé, bad dinner guest, bad credit risk.
George: OK, the point is made.
Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen. The bad tipper.

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Dave: Mr. Huddelston, there a vicious rumor going around this building that I'm deaf. I don't know how it started, but I don't like it. It's very humiliating. So let's try and put a stop to it.

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Big Enos: See, son, old legends never die. They just lose weight.
Little Enos: Seems like a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot alike, Daddy.

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Happy Hogan: You take care of the suit. I'll take care of the music.
[AC/DC's "Back in Black" starts playing].
Peter Parker: Oh, I love Led Zeppelin!

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