Alan A. Allen: I am an inventor, Patrick. An inventor of machines.
Jakob Elinsky: What do we say to him?
Frank Slaughtery: We say nothin'. The guy's going to hell for seven years, what are going do wish him luck?
Julia: You can't see that Louis Waters is weird?
Clarissa Vaughn: I can see that he's sad.
Julia: Well. All of your friends are sad.
Game Show Host: And how about you, Bachelor #3? What's the most unusual place that you ever made love?
Bachelor #3: Inside a woman.
Evelyn Doyle: It's great that we're on the top floor, so Santa can park his reindeer near.
Slim: You know the deal, you're here as an observer. You pay attention to the clock. You do not engage in gun play unless it is strictly necessary. We do not depart from the plan in any way.
Jerry: Yeah, whatever you say. Only one thing, does this plan change any if you're dead?
Kate Filmore: This guy sure moves quickly, he's just gone.
Max Rothman: I've seen the future. Believe me, it came straight at us. There's no future in the future.
Pero: Please, your honor I'm here to confess. That man is innocent. Your honor I can no longer live with the guilt. It was me who was stealing that car, I confess. My brother Cosimo, Saint Cosimo as he's known on the streets, was only trying to stop me. And I told him, 'Cosimo, I need to steal this car, I'm a car thief, I steal cars... by myself.'.
Mr. O'Connor: You've got no home. You have no mother. You got no father. You killed us, you slut. You killed us both.
Hinh: Sooner or later, Mr. Fowler, one has to take sides, if one is to remain human.
Jack Van Meter: Get the hell down from there. While you're grandstanding here the city is starting to burn. Jimmy for Christ sakes.
Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.: If the city is starting to burn, Jack, it's partly because of guys like you and me. And I may be a goddamm alcoholic but that doesn't mean I can't tell the truth - and I've got all the deep deep dirt right here. Somebody put the cufs on me - let me start talking.
Richard Roth: Hi. Richard Roth. Don't call me 'Dick'.
Robert Wiener: Robert Wiener. Don't call me 'Dick', either.
Milan: One guy can't take two on, except in the movies.
Dave: Your mama's got no teeth and that's perfect for her line of work.
Ben Carpenter: C'mon, you mother. Come to papa.
Snow: How much sleep ya need, Kelvin?
Chris Kelvin: How much sleep?
Snow: Yeah. Um, how long ya think you can go without sleep?
Chris Kelvin: Depends.
Snow: Well, when you do go to sleep... I find I sleep much better with the door locked.
Paikea: A long time ago, my ancestor Paikea came to this place on the back of a whale. Since then, in every generation of my family, the first born son has carried his name and become the leader of our tribe... until now.
Guo Yi: You know, Okwe, good at chess usually means bad at life. You do realise that she's in love with you, don't you? I've been with her 20 minutes, and I know it. But then, I'm bad at chess.
Justin: Yeah, he's a professor... of being A DOG! oooh, faced... Scratch moded.