Jay: In this world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us!
Rock Mullaney: God invented the whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
Narrator: There is not one universe. There are many. A Multiverse. We have the technology to travel between universes... But travel is highly restricted and policed. There is not one you. There are many. Each of us exists in present time, in parallel universes. There was balance in the system... But now a force exists who seeks to destroy the balance... So that he can become The One.
Joe Dirt: So, you're gonna tell me, that you don't have no black cats, no Roman candles, or screamin' mimis?
Kicking Wing: No.
Joe Dirt: Oh come on man. You don't got no lady fingers, buzz bottles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zip-a-dee-do-dahs, crap flappers?
Kicking Wing: No, I don't.
Joe Dirt: You're gonna stand there, owning a firework stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honker lighters, huskers dus, husker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy dazers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whisking kitty chaser?
Ginger: If you want a chance in hell at getting your daughter back, you better listen up. Unless of course, you want to stay here, in this loser existence, while your daughter grows up to be the fluffer in her daddy's new videos.
Stanley Jobson: Please pay me the courtesy of not confusing your own childhood with my daughter's.
Hedwig: How did some slip of a girly boy from communist East Berlin become the internationally ignored song stylist barely standing before you?
Charisse Slocumb: Bernice Talbot? My-my husband done did it wit' that child in that "Shop-Well" parking lot? lord take ME NOW.