Centipede: I wanna escape from Spiker and Sponge.
Earthworm: Escape? To where? We'll all be squashed and swotted and swooshed.
Grasshopper: No one's going to swoosh you my dear boy, you're six feet through now.
Earthworm: Bigger target.
Paul Castellano: Johnny's problem is that he's a street Neapolitan, huh? Always scheming. Worse than the Sicilians.
Louis: Men love to hate. It's what separates us from the females of the spieces. It's the natural law in Wild America.
The King: One day you are your father's property. One day you are your husband's property. It must be difficult.
Bill Clinton: In recognition of your great service, I'm appointing you honorary agents in the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
Butt-head: Whoa. Alcohol and tobacco?
Beavis: Yeah. And firearms! Yeah.
Bill Clinton: Cool, huh?
Butt-head: Cigarettes and beer kick ass.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. We're in the bureau of beer and fire and cigarettes. And maybe some chicks, too.
Rafe Guttman: I feel like I'm in a bad episode of Tales From The Crypt.
Laura Lizzie: Oh God look, there is a pubic hair in my brush. Oh no wait, wait. That's just one of Rochelle's little nappy hairs.
Rochelle: Why are you doing this to me, Laura? Do you think you're funny?
Laura Lizzie: You really wanna know why?
Rochelle: Yes, I really wanna know why.
Laura Lizzie: Because I don't like negroids.
Bowen: All my life I've dreamed of serving noble kings, noble ideals. Dreams die hard and you hold them in your hands long after they've turned to dust. I will not be that naive again.
Hana: There's a man downstairs. He brought us eggs. He might stay.
Almásy: Why? Can he lay eggs?
Hana: He's Canadian.
Almásy: Why are people always so happy when they collide with someone from the same place? What happened in Montreal when you passed a man in the street? Did you invite him to live with you?
Morehart: This is James Haggarty, our chief of security.
Robert: Hey, you ever done any wetwork?
James Haggerty: Only on three different continents.
Robert: Wow, really? Listen, you wanna impress me, slick? Do your fucking job.
Elise: I'm not Monique's Mother.
Maurice: No.
Elise: Angela Lansbury's Monique's Mother.
Maurice: Uh-huh.
Elise: Shelley Winters is Unique's mother.
Maurice: Now that's a good one.
Elise: Sean Connery is Monique's mother.
Maurice: And I'm going to get you some coffee.
Dammers: Sheriff! You are violating my territorial bubble.
Hawthorne: I wouldn't have thought bravery would be a problem for you.
Charles Remington: Well, you hope each time it won't be... But you never really know.
Hamlet: Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio - a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath bore me on his back a thousand times, and now how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hung these lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were won't to set the table on a roar?
Giant Santa: I'm gonna deck your halls, bub.
Sheriff Sam Deeds: Well, I'm working on a few things. I'm going over to the other side.
Ray: Republicans?
Sheriff Sam Deeds: No, Mexico.
Taffy Dale: Guess it wasn't the dove.
Eamon de Valera: The Irish people established the Irish Republic. It can only be disestablished by the Irish people.
[Professor Klump struggles to fit into his chair because of his obese size, before finally getting in.]
Dean Richmond: Anything I can get for you? Juice? Coffee? Rack of lamb?