Elise: I'm not Monique's Mother.
Maurice: No.
Elise: Angela Lansbury's Monique's Mother.
Maurice: Uh-huh.
Elise: Shelley Winters is Unique's mother.
Maurice: Now that's a good one.
Elise: Sean Connery is Monique's mother.
Maurice: And I'm going to get you some coffee.
Elise: There are only three ages for women in Hollywood - Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.
Brenda: Those lips - what's in 'em? Are they wax?
Aaron Paradis: I can't handle more surprises today.
Chris Paradis: Oh, Daddy. I'm a lesbian. A big one.
Brenda: So okay, alimony sucks. Okay, you didn't get to play a police woman in a wonder bra. But look at you, you're gorgeous! And thanks to Cher's pioneering efforts you still haven't hit puberty! And once upon a time you were a terrific actress! You've even got an Oscar to prove it! You've spent your whole life with people sucking up to you! I'm sure Annie will agree with me when I say that your perception of life is somewhat altered.
Elise: I'm unhappy, Maurice.
Maurice: And I'm going to get you that coffee.
Uncle Carmine: Brenda, I speak on behalf of your father, my beloved brother, that Morty is garbage, and it would be an honor to me to take him out.
Brenda: Wake up and smell the audit.
Annie: What if Elise starts drinking again and then you start sniping away?
Elise: Been there.
Brenda: Done that.
Elise: If only she'd called me. If only I was listed.
Brenda: Where's Shelly?
Morty: In the car.
Brenda: Glove compartment?
Morty: Trunk.
Bill: Nice car, used to have one myself.
Shelly: Thanks. So, what's going on in there? Is it just a lot of battered women dancing around or what?
Bill: Yeah, sort of. Not really my scene.
Shelly: Me neither.
Bill: So, are you here with anybody?
Shelly: Not really.
Bill: How old are you?
Elise: And you didn't even invite me to your son's bar mitzvah.
Brenda: I didn't think you would come.
Annie: Yeah, it was in Hebrew.
Brenda: Oh shutup.
Elise: No, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend! He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud.
Brenda: My Morty becomes this big shot on T.V... He was selling electronics, right? On our 20th wedding anniversary it hits midlife crisis major. He starts working out, he, he grows a moustache, he gets an earring. I said, "Morty, Morty, what are you? A pirate? what's next? A parrot?" And all of a sudden I'm a big drag. I'm holding him back because I won't go rollerblading.
Morty: Shelly, what happened here? $140,00 for a plate? $47,000 for a carpet? A used carpet? $300,00 for a Lamborghini? Are you crazy?
Shelly: I bought the car for you! It was only 300 grand! It was a gift.
Morty: With my money you bought it! I bought me the gift.
Shelly: Jesus, Morty, all I want is a lifestyle, y'know - with some ambiance and some classic eternal good taste.
Brenda: I remember your first talk-y.
Elise: Oh yeah, what did you ever win? A pie eating contest?"Best digestion?"
Elise: It's the 90s, plastic surgery is like good grooming.
Brenda: There she is. Princess Pelvis.
Duarto: Leave me alone. One hour. One hour. One hour, thank you.
