Elise: And you didn't even invite me to your son's bar mitzvah.
Brenda: I didn't think you would come.
Annie: Yeah, it was in Hebrew.
Brenda: Oh shutup.
Brenda: Those lips - what's in 'em? Are they wax?
Dr. Morris Packman: If I give you one more face lift you're going to be able to blink your lips.
Bill: Nice car, used to have one myself.
Shelly: Thanks. So, what's going on in there? Is it just a lot of battered women dancing around or what?
Bill: Yeah, sort of. Not really my scene.
Shelly: Me neither.
Bill: So, are you here with anybody?
Shelly: Not really.
Bill: How old are you?
Elise: Annie, you choose. Who's your friend? Me or Brenda?
Brenda: Yeah, for once in your life make a decision? Who's your friend? Some Beverly Hills science project?
Elise: Or a woman with her own aisle at the supermarket?
Brenda: Where's Shelly?
Morty: In the car.
Brenda: Glove compartment?
Elise: I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person.
Brenda: No, that's why your co-stars drink.
Elise: If only she'd called me. If only I was listed.
Duarto: Leave me alone. One hour. One hour. One hour, thank you.
Annie: What if Elise starts drinking again and then you start sniping away?
Elise: Been there.
Brenda: Done that.
Brenda: There she is. Princess Pelvis.
Brenda: Wake up and smell the audit.
Elise: It's the 90s, plastic surgery is like good grooming.
Uncle Carmine: Brenda, I speak on behalf of your father, my beloved brother, that Morty is garbage, and it would be an honor to me to take him out.
Brenda: I remember your first talk-y.
Elise: Oh yeah, what did you ever win? A pie eating contest?"Best digestion?"
Elise: I'm unhappy, Maurice.
Maurice: And I'm going to get you that coffee.
Elise: No, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend! He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud.
Morty: Shelly, what happened here? $140,00 for a plate? $47,000 for a carpet? A used carpet? $300,00 for a Lamborghini? Are you crazy?
Shelly: I bought the car for you! It was only 300 grand! It was a gift.
Morty: With my money you bought it! I bought me the gift.
Shelly: Jesus, Morty, all I want is a lifestyle, y'know - with some ambiance and some classic eternal good taste.
Brenda: So okay, alimony sucks. Okay, you didn't get to play a police woman in a wonder bra. But look at you, you're gorgeous! And thanks to Cher's pioneering efforts you still haven't hit puberty! And once upon a time you were a terrific actress! You've even got an Oscar to prove it! You've spent your whole life with people sucking up to you! I'm sure Annie will agree with me when I say that your perception of life is somewhat altered.
Elise: You've always been jealous of me, even in college! Because I was blonde and beautiful, and could have any guy I wanted.
Brenda: Could and did! All the senior class and half the faculty.
Elise: It was the sixties.