Quotes from John Cleese movies and TV shows

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Brian Stimpson: We don't need a track. It's grass.

Brian Stimpson: It's not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.

Brian Stimpson: My office - 9:20 - Executions.

Brian Stimpson: The first step to knowing who we are... is knowing where we are and... when we are.

Communication Problems (a.k.a. Theft) - S2-E1

Mrs Richards: And another thing. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: [whispering to Manuel.] Deaf, Mad and Blind. [To Mrs Richards.] Yes, this is the view as far as I can remember... Yes, yes it is.
Mrs Richards: When I pay for a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Basil: But that is Torquay, madam.
Mrs Richards: Well it's not good enough.
Basil: Well may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across the plain...
Mrs Richards: [interrupting.] Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: You CAN see the sea! It's over there between the land and the sky!
Mrs Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that.
Basil: Well might I suggest you move to a hotel closer to the sea. Or preferably in it.
Mrs Richards: Now listen to me. I'm not satisified but I've decided to stay. HOWEVER, I shall expect a deduction.
Basil: Why, because Krakatoa isn't erupting at the moment?
Mrs Richards: Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.
Basil: No, the radio works. You don't.

The Wedding Party (a.k.a. Sex) - S1-E3

Basil: Did you ever see that film, "How To Murder Your Wife"?
Major Gowen: How To Murder Your Wife"?
Basil: Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

The Germans - S1-E6

Basil: Is something wrong?
German guest: Will you please stop talking about the war?
Basil: Me? You started it.
German guest: We did not.
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland.

The Germans - S1-E6

Basil: Don't mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right.

Communication Problems (a.k.a. Theft) - S2-E1

Basil: A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed.

The Kipper and the Corpse (a.k.a. Death) - S2-E4

Basil: Good morning, good morning.
Miss Gatsby: Oh you're very cheerful this morning, Mr Fawlty.
Basil: Yes, well one of the guests has just died.

Waldorf Salad - S2-E3

Basil: This is typical. Absolutely typical...of the kind of...ARSE I have to put up with from you people. You ponce in here expecting to be waited on hand and foot, while I'm trying to run a hotel here. Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not, you're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started. A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble. Well I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough. I've had it. Come on, pack your bags and get out.

A Touch of Class - S1-E1

Basil: Hello? - Ah, yes, Mr O'Reilly, well it's perfectly simple. When I asked you to build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to cement them together...you know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion.

The Builders - S1-E2

O'Reilly: Just remember if the good Lord...
Basil: ...Is mentioned one more time, I will move you closer to him.

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The Builders - S1-E2

O'Reilly: Just remember Mr. Fawlty, There is always someone worse off than yourself
Basil: Well I'd like to meet him. I could do with a laugh.

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Rollo Lee: It's an anteater, not a maneater.
Sydney Lotterby: What would you be saying if it went over there, jumped into that pram? What would you be saying to the child's mother now?
Rollo Lee: I'd be saying, "Madam, you are the victim of an 8 billion to one chance: a leaping anteater. An evolutionary mutant previously unknown to science."

Willa Weston: Why do you work for us, Rollo?
Rollo Lee: Cowardice?

Rollo Lee: Mr. Sylvester Stallone didn't get where he is today by playing in Jane Austen.

Willa Weston: I love this zoo.
Rollo Lee: I love zoo too.

Otto: Now, apologize.
Archie: What?
Otto: Apologize.
Archie: Are you totally deranged?
Otto: [long pause.] You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant twerp scumbag, fuck-face dickhead asshole!
Archie: How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?
Otto: You're the vulgarian, you fuck! Now apologize.

Bishop73

Archie: Your brother didn't bring you here this time, did he?
Wanda: No.
Archie: He's no idea?
Wanda: He doesn't have a clue.
Archie: What?
Wanda: He's so dumb.
Archie: Really?
Wanda: He thought that the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.

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