Phaneron

Bart Star - S9-E6

Bart: May I be excused, Mom?
Homer: Oh, so now you're quitting dinner too.
Marge: Homer, please.
Homer: I didn't raise him to be a quitter, Marge. It must have been you. You've quit every job you've had. Cop, pretzel vendor, church counselor, professional gambler.
Marge: He's doing what he thinks is best.
Homer: Well if quitting is the best, maybe I should just quit my job. [Picks up the phone and calls Mr. Burns.]
Mr. Burns: Ahoy-hoy.
Homer: Mr. Burns, this is Homer J. Simpson. The father of the big quitter. Well I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter too, and I quit [winks at phone].
Marge: Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking.
Homer: So? [Screams].

Phaneron ★

Homerpalooza - S7-E24

Concertgoer #1: Oh, here comes that cannonball guy. He's cool.
Concertgoer #2: Are you being sarcastic, dude?
Concertgoer #1: I don't even know anymore.

Phaneron ★

Mountain of Madness - S8-E12

Homer: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Oh yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

Phaneron ★

Bart Gets an Elephant - S5-E17

Homer: Look at these bills: chains for elephant. Shots for elephant. Over-sized decorative poncho?
Bart: Technically it's for a giraffe, but I think I can let it out a little.
Homer: Well these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance.
Bart: You'll have to raise my allowance to about a thousand dollars a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.

Phaneron ★

Tree House of Horror VIII - S9-E4

Professor Frink: Good morning, ma'am. Good afternoon, sir. It passed noon while I was speaking, so that was technically accurate.
Homer: He's crazy.

Phaneron ★

Scenes From a Class Struggle in Springfield - S7-E14

Tom Kite: You know Homer, the traditional way to cheat in golf is to lower your score.
Homer: That's one way.
Tom Kite: Ha ha, I'm PGA Tour pro Tom Kite. How 'bout I give you a few pointers on your game? Now you don't want to overthink.
Homer: Not an issue.
Tom Kite: Keep your head down.
Homer: [Raises head] Huh?
Tom Kite: Pretend there's no-one else here. [Homer scratches his butt with the driver and then belches.] And just go at your own pace. [Homer hits the ball onto the green.] Wow, very impressive. You're a natural, Mr. Simpson.
Homer: Really?
Tom Kite: Uh huh. All you need is your own set of clubs. [Takes his clubs back from Homer.] And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.

Phaneron ★

Breaker of Chains - S4-E3

Davos: Westeros is not the world, Your Grace. We need to look east for ships and men. Ten-thousand skilled soldiers fight for the Golden Company.
Stannis: The Golden Company!?
Davos: They've never broken a contract.
Stannis: They're sell-swords!
Davos: We're willing to use blood magic to put you on the throne, but we're not willing to pay men to fight?

Phaneron ★

The Night Lands - S2-E2

Tyrion: If I told you to murder an infant girl, say, still at her mother's breast, would you do it without question?
Bronn: Without question, no. I'd ask how much.

Phaneron ★

The Night Lands - S2-E2

Tyrion: I heard there was some trouble in Littlefinger's brothel the other night.
Janos Slynt: Mmhmm. Nasty business, had to be done.
Tyrion: Yes, of course. The City Watch must keep the peace. Only, I hadn't realised peace depended on killing babies.
Janos Slynt: Orders are orders.
Tyrion: Quite right. Especially the Queen's orders.
Janos Slynt: I never said they were the Queen's orders.
Tyrion: No, but who else would want to murder King Robert's bastards? She's always been a jealous woman.
Janos Slynt: You know your sister better than I do.
Tyrion: You've heard the awful rumors about my brother and sister.
Janos Slynt: I don't listen to filth.
Tyrion: That's good of you, but you have heard them. I suppose people who do believe that filth consider Robert's bastards to be better claimants to the throne than Cersei's children.
Janos Slynt: Joffrey is my king, the rest doesn't interest me.
Tyrion: I appreciate your loyalty. Tell me, when your men slaughtered Ned Stark's men in the Throne Room, did you give the order?
Janos Slynt: I did, and I would again. The man was a traitor. He tried to buy my loyalty.
Tyrion: The fool. He had no idea you were already bought.
Janos Slynt: Are you drunk!? I'll not have my honor questioned by an imp!
Tyrion: I'm not questioning your honor, Lord Janos. I'm denying its existence.
Janos Slynt: If you think I'll stand here and take this from you, dwarf...
Tyrion: "Dwarf." Hmm, you should've stopped at imp. And yes, you will stand here and take it from me. Unless you'd like to take it from my friend here [motions to Bronn]. I intend to serve as Hand of the King until my father returns from the war, and seeing as you betrayed the last Hand of the King, well I just wouldn't feel safe with you lurking about.

Phaneron ★

The Broken Man - S6-E7

Blackfish: Kingslayer.
Jaime: Blackfish.
Blackfish: I assume you're here to fulfill the vow you gave my niece. I don't see Sansa and Arya.
Jaime: I don't have them.
Blackfish: Pity. Do you wish to resume your captivity? [Jaime shakes his head "no."] Then why are you here?
Jaime: You know why I'm here. This castle belongs to House Frey. You're trespassing. In the name of King Tommen, I order you to surrender, or...
Blackfish: Or you'll kill Edmure. My nephew's marked for death no matter what. Hang him and be done with it.
Jaime: It won't stop with Edmure. You'll force me to storm the castle. Hundreds will die.
Blackfish: Hundreds of mine. Thousands of yours. If you can breach the walls.
Jaime: We'll breach them, and kill every last one of you. But if you surrender, I'll spare the lives of your men, on my honor.
Blackfish: Your "honor." Bargaining with oath-breakers is like building on quicksand.
Jaime: The war is over, Ser. Why sacrifice living men to a lost cause?
Blackfish: As long as I'm standing, the war is not over. This is my home. I was born in this castle, and I'm ready to die in it. So you can either attack, or try to starve us out. We have enough provisions for two years. Do you have two years, Kingslayer?
Jaime: You clearly have no intention of saving your men's lives. Why did you come treat with me?
Blackfish: Sieges are dull, and I wanted to see you in person, get the measure of you.
Jaime: Well now you have.
Blackfish: Aye, now I have. I'm disappointed.

Phaneron ★

Mhysa - S3-E10

Tyrion: You just sent the most powerful man in Westeros to bed without his supper.
Tywin: You're a fool if you believe he's the most powerful man in Westeros.
Tyrion: A treasonous statement. Joffrey is king.
Tywin: You really think a crown gives you power?

Phaneron ★

Mhysa - S3-E10

Joffrey: I am the king! I will punish you.
Tywin: Any man who must say "I am the king" is no true king.

Phaneron ★

Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man - S3-E19

Harry: Hey, what's the matter, Tommy?
Tommy: I have to write a twenty-page history paper by tomorrow.
Harry: Oh, that's tough.
Tommy: Oh, oh, and on top of that, George Kapasouris was waiting for me after school to beat me up 'cause I wouldn't let him cheat off my algebra test.
Harry: Whoa, so what'd you do, hop the fence and run home?
Tommy: Well no, I kicked his ass, but I mean, that's not the point. I shouldn't have to do that.

Phaneron ★

Stuck with Dick - S3-E18

Don: Ass right there, freeze-hole!

Phaneron ★

The Big Giant Head Returns Again (1) - S5-E21

Dick: Hey Tommy, how was school?
Tommy: Terrible. I got hauled into the principal's office because of my grades.
Harry: What'd he do to ya?
Tommy: Made me Valedictorian. Apparently I have the best grades in the school, dammit.
Dick: But you barely ever go to class.
Tommy: I know. That's how stupid everyone else is. Dammit!

Phaneron ★

Why Dickie Can't Teach - S6-E6

Sally: Hey you guys, look: "Rutherford's 10 Most Powerful Men." What number are you, Don?
Don: Um, number "not on it."
Sally: What, have they just never heard of you? How could that be?
Don: Well Sally, I'm just a cop. But I once stopped number 8 for speeding, though. He let me off with a warning.

Phaneron ★

I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can - S14-E12

George Plimpton: Alright, your word is "whether."
Sun Moon: Which one? Can you use it in a sentence?
George Plimpton: Certainly. "I don't know whether the weather will improve."
Sun Moon: Uh, ooh, W, uh, um, E... [gets disqualified]
George Plimpton: Alex, your word is "rigged." As in, "This contest is rigged."
Alex: R-I-G-G-E-D. "Wigged."
George Plimpton: Bravo, my pet. You shall be champion, assuming Lisa misspells this next word. The word is "intransigence."
Lisa: Could I please hear it in a sentence?
George Plimpton: Certainly. "The little girl's intransigence cost her the college of her choice."
Lisa: "Intransigence." I...
Homer: Daddy made it for your dance recital, honey!
Lisa: Dad, you do care.
Homer: Damn right. You're number one on my menu. Now super-size it.
Lisa: With you here, I can't fail. Attention everyone. I was asked to take a dive, but I won't do it! I-N-T-R-A-N-S-I-G-A-N-C-E.
George Plimpton: You fool, it's "E-N-C-E."
Lisa: Oh my god, you're right. I spelled it wrong. I tried my best and I failed.
George Plimpton: And now you lose everything. And I go back to whatever it is I do.

Phaneron ★

I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can - S14-E12

George Plimpton: Welcome to the games of the 34th "Spellympiad." I'm George Plimpton, founder of "The Paris Review." I also play the evil dean in "Boner Academy."
Homer: You monster! Why did you expel Boogerman?
George Plimpton: He replaced my tennis racket with a rubber phallus.

Phaneron ★

Moe Baby Blues - S14-E22

Marge: Ooh, a rattle. Thank you, Selma.
Moe: Yeah, great present, Selma. Nice of you to break a five.
Selma: Get a neck, Frankenstein.
Moe: Hey, open my present. Open my present. It's Uncle Moe's play tavern, with classic drunk Barney. Look, even the little toilet is broken.
Marge: I don't know if toy drunkards are an appropriate gift for a baby.
Moe: Sure they are. They even talk, look [flips switch on a Homer figurine].
Homer Figurine: I peed my pants.
Homer: I recorded that for private use!

Phaneron ★

Moe 'N' a Lisa - S18-E6

J. Jonah Jameson: Awe, that's sweet. I hate sweet. I need photos. Photos of Spider-Man!
Poetry Journal Assistant: This is a poetry journal.
J. Jonah Jameson: Okay then, poems about Spider-Man. And I want them finished before you start. And before you finish, get me some coffee. And the poems should have the following rhyme scheme: A-B-B-A-A-B-B-A-C-D-E-C-D-E. What are you waiting for, Chinese New Year?

Phaneron ★