Phaneron

Dude, Where's My Ranch? - S14-E18

The Simpsons Family: ♪ Just hear those sleigh bells jingling...
Blue-haired Lawyer: Cease and desist! You are forbidden to perform that song without paying royalties to the copyright owner.
Marge: Nobody owns Christmas carols. They belong to everyone, like grapes at the grocery store.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Not true, but you are welcome to sing the many public domain carols, such as "O Tannenbaum," "Good King Wenceslas," "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring."
Homer: Those suck! They're worse than nothing! I could write way better songs.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Go ahead, but don't use A-flat or G-natural, those notes are owned by Disney.
Homer: [Moans.]
Blue-haired Lawyer: That's A-flat.
Homer: [Moans in a higher pitch.]
Blue-haired Lawyer: That's better.

Phaneron ★

Benedict: Hello? I've just shot somebody, I did it on purpose. I said I have murdered a man, and I want to confess.
New Yorker: Hey, shut up down there!

Phaneron ★

The Last Temptation of Krust - S9-E15

Hank WIlliams, Jr.: ♪Can you name the truck with four-wheel drive? Smells like a steak and seats thirty-five. Canyonero. Canyonero. Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down. It's the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown. Canyonero. Canyonero.
Krusty: Hey hey!
Announcer: The Federal Highway Commission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.
Hank Williams, Jr.: ♪Twelve yards long, two lanes wide, 65 tons of American pride. Canyonero. Canyonero. Top of the line in utility sports. Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts. Canyonero. Canyonero. She blinds everybody with her super high beams. She's a squirrel-squashin', deer-smackin', drivin' machine. Canyonero. Canyonero. Ya! Ya Canyonero! Whoa Canyonero! Whoa!

Phaneron ★

Fear of Flying - S6-E11

Homer: Wait a minute. There's something bothering me about this place. I know, this lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap, ladies!
Lesbian: What was her problem?

Phaneron ★

Homer vs. Dignity - S12-E5

Mr. Burns: You're so much more fun than Smithers. Why, he doesn't know the meaning of the word "gay."

Phaneron ★

Bart Carny - S9-E12

Nelson: You wrecked Hitler's car! What did he ever do to you?

Phaneron ★

Angry Dick - S1-E13

Dick: [Reading from TV Guide] "Jerry dates a blind girl [Repeat]. Jerry dates a blind girl." It gains nothing the second time.

Phaneron ★

I Am Dick Pentameter! - S4-E6

Dick: You have a little tofu on your lip.
Jennifer: This smoothie is delicious. Please have a sip.
Dick: Ah, thank you. But, no, just uh, please, go like this [makes wiping motion near his mouth].
Jennifer: I've got an idea, how 'bout we kiss?
Dick: Okay, time out, you're missing my point.
Jennifer: Finish your food and we'll blow this joint.
Dick: Just listen to me, you have tofu on your lip. It's been there for what seems like an eternity, now please just flick it the hell off your face! [She despondently wipes her face.] Thank you, that's better. Now we can embrace.

Phaneron ★

Bart the Mother - S10-E3

Librarian: You've checked this bible out every weekend for the last nine years. Wouldn't it be easier to just buy one?
Reverend Lovejoy: Perhaps, on a librarian's salary.

Phaneron ★

Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming - S7-E9

Chief Wiggum: Hey, where is Sideshow Bob and that guy who, uh, eats people and takes their faces?
Guy Who Eats People and Takes Their Faces: I'm right here, Chief.
Chief WIggum: Oh. Then where's Sideshow Bob?
Prisoner: Eh, he ran off.
Chief Wiggum: Oh great! Well if anyone asks, uh, I beat him to death. Okay?
Officer Lou: Right.

Phaneron ★

Cape Feare - S5-E2

Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum. [Gallery laughs] Oh, now I get it. Ah ha ha, that's good.
Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
Blue-haired Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now? [A few people raise their hands] Be honest. [Everyone raises their hands, including Patty]
Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Robert, if released would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hell-hole.
Parole Board Member #1: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hell-hole" when you could have said "pee-pee-soaked heck-hole."
Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Well what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die Bart, Die?"
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for "The Bart, The."
Parole Board Member #3: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Parole Board Member #2: Parole granted.

Phaneron ★

Simpson Tide - S9-E19

Drill Sergeant: Attention on deck, Captain Tennille wishes to address you.
Captain Tennille: [Clears throat] I'm a man of few words. Any questions?
Homer: Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is?

Phaneron ★

I, (Annoyed Grunt)-bot - S15-E9

Robot Rumble Announcer #2: And the winner is nature's greatest killing machine, man! [Audience boos.] Show me where in the rule book that it says a human can't be a robot.
Robot Rumble Announcer #1: Right here: Rule 1.

Phaneron ★

I, (Annoyed Grunt)-bot - S15-E9

Robot Rumble Announcer #1: There's no love lost between these emotionless devices.

Phaneron ★

The Ghost of Harrenhal - S2-E5

Lancel: I swear to you.
Tyrion: Swear to me on what?
Lancel: On my life.
Tyrion: But I don't care about your life.

Phaneron ★

The Ghost of Harrenhal - S2-E5

Tyrion: You wouldn't lie to me would you, cousin?
Lancel: No.
Tyrion: That's a lie right there.

Phaneron ★

Helter Shelter - S14-E5

Moe: Telegram for Haywood U. Cuddleme. Haywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Haywood U. Cuddleme? Oh, dude, that little! [Returning telegram] I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific!

Phaneron ★

Flaming Moe's - S3-E10

Moe: Flaming Moe's.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name: Jass. First name: Hugh.
Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. Uh, Hugh Jass. Somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass.
Hugh Jass: I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone.
Hugh Jass: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh, hi.
Hugh Jass: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh Jass: Well what can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look. I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh Jass: Alright, better luck next time [hangs up]. What a nice young man.

Phaneron ★

24 Minutes - S18-E21

Jack Bauer: Chloe, I need those schematics now.
Bart: What? Who is this?
Jack Bauer: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
Bart: Me? Uh, I'm Ahmed Adudi.
Jack Bauer: Chloe find out all you can about Ahmed Adudi. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adudi?
Chloe O'Brian: Ahmed Adudi: wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90's.
Jack Bauer: Really?
Chloe O'Brian: No Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!

Phaneron ★

Homer the Smithers - S7-E17

Mr. Burns: Must call Smithers. He'll protect me from this beast. I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times. Doesn't seem to be any trick to it. Let's see, Smithers [begins dialing], S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. Success, it's ringing!
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Mr. Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name: Waylon
Moe: Oh, so you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap out of you! Okay!? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

Phaneron ★