Melanie 'Mel' Whitfield: So, technically, you slept with Santa?
Kelli Whitfield: Well, I didn't know he was Santa at the time... but technically, I guess I did.
Melanie 'Mel' Whitfield: Well, ho, ho, ho.
Cara Burns: You are a murderer of love.
Steven Johnson: You know what? This crocodile's like O.J. Simpson. He messed up when he killed that white woman.
Walter Lewis: You get that right and I'll feed you paedophiles, dealers, bullies, junkies, scum, cunts, dogs... the lot.
Gust Avrakotos: You know, me and three other guys are killing Russians. Is it possible that I met the only elected official in town who can help me?
Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: Fuck off.
Alison Scott: What?
Ben Stone: What?
Tom Lefroy: Was I deficient in rapture?
Jane Austen: Inconsciousness.
Tom Lefroy: It was... It was accomplished.
Jane Austen: It was ironic.
Edward Cole: Three things to remember when you get older: never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart.
Thomas: I'll keep that in mind as I approach decrepitude.
Michael Moore: There are nearly 50 million Americans with no health insurance. They pray every day they don't get sick because 18,000 of them will die this year, simply because they're uninsured. But this movie isn't about them. It's about the 250 million of you who have health insurance. Those of you who are living the American Dream.
Stuart: Isn't it bad luck to toast with water?
Todd: Yeah. Bad luck for whoever meets us today.
Noah Wilder: You don't need that much sugar, dad.
John: How long you been fucking her?
[Jim looks awkward.]
John: It's a simple question.
[Jim looks down and sees John's wedding ring.]
Jim: How long you been fucking your wife?
John: I don't have one.
Jim: then why are you wearing a ring?
John: It makes people think I'm trustworthy.
Jim: Aren't you?
John: No.
Professor Farnsworth: Time travel is impossible!
Fry: But Professor, you time traveled yourself. Remember? When we went back to Roswell?
Professor Farnsworth: That proves nothing! And furthermore, you'd think I could remember a thing like that! Plus, who are you anyway?
Dakota Moss: So my finger got cut off. But nobody did it. Who's going to believe that? Look at you. You don't even believe it.
Jerrod Pointer: Yeah, I do.
[Dakota scoffs.]
Dakota Moss: That's because I fucked you.
Romulus Augustus: Mother, am I now the most powerful man in the world?
Flavia: Of course you are.
Romulus Augustus: Then why can't I stay out tonight?
Robert Hanssen: Do you pray the Rosary every day?
Eric O'Neill: Not every day Sir, no.
Robert Hanssen: You should.
Jesse Aarons: That's what Leslie Burke says. She told me to keep my mind wide open.
Ms. Edmonds: Leslie Burke is right. Mind like yours wide open, you could create a whole new world.