Knocked Up (2007)

Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: Fuck off.
Alison Scott: What?
Ben Stone: What?

Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.

Debbie: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.
Jason: I had the chicken pox three times. I have no immunity to it.
Ben Stone: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

Jason: Well, I'm gonna go make a protein shake.

Alison Scott: Why don't you go fuck your fucking bong you fuck.
Ben Stone: I will! I'll do it doggy style, too! For once.

Alison Scott: I'm sorry I told you to fuck your bong.
Ben Stone: It's okay... I didn't.

Pete: Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.

Ben's Dad: I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Ben Stone: I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Ben's Dad: Yes.
Ben Stone: Now I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you.

Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit.
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal.

Pete: You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter.

Fantasy Baseball Guy #1: Hey, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out.

Jonah: Hey Crocket, how's Tubbs doing?
Martin: Oh, another beard joke?
Jonah: How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
Martin: It was really awkward.
Jonah: See ya... Scorcese on coke.

Ben Stone: If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana in "Munich."

Ben Stone: Yeah, it's a cure-all. My buddy Jonah broke his elbow one time. He just smoked some weed. It still clicks, but it's cool.

Jay: You're embarrassing me in company.
Jonah: You embarrass yourself.

Ben Stone: Now that's how you get pink eye.

Pete: You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother... Gabe Ruth.

Jonah: Dude, I didn't go to Yale to work 24 hours a day.
Jason: Dude, you went to a city college.
Jonah: I went where I went, all right?

Debbie: You think because you don't yell, you're not mean. This is mean.

Jonah: Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck - it's dangerous.