Knocked Up (2007)

Pete: Just don't ask me to lend you any money.
Ben Stone: Can I just - have some?

Ben's Dad: I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Ben Stone: I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Ben's Dad: Yes.
Ben Stone: Now I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you.

Jack: We decided that, we want you to be on camera.
Alison Scott: Oh my god, really?
Jill: I know, I was so surprised too.

Jonah: Dude, I didn't go to Yale to work 24 hours a day.
Jason: Dude, you went to a city college.
Jonah: I went where I went, all right?

Young Doctor: How long you kids been married?
Ben Stone: We're not married.
Young Doctor: Are you single?
Ben Stone: She's not single, she's just not married.
Young Doctor: Are you two together?

Martin: You guys aren't suppose to make fun at me that's not part of the rules.
Jason: Martin why didn't you just listen when I was explaining the rules? You just looked at me with that blank stare of yours - it was like talking to a wax statue.

Ben's Dad: If it grows from the ground, it's probably okay.

Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit.
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal.

Ben Stone: Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.

Jonah: I won't say it but it rhymes with shmashmortion.

Debbie: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.
Jason: I had the chicken pox three times. I have no immunity to it.
Ben Stone: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

Doorman: What the fuck is she doing at the club? That's not even good parenting right there. Your old ass should know better than that.

Pete: I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles.
Ben Stone: That's sad.
Pete: Totally sad. Their smiling faces just point out your inability to enjoy anything.

Fantasy Baseball Guy #1: Hey, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out.

Jason: Granted, gynecology is only a hobby of mine, but it sounds to me like she's crowning.

Ben Stone: I live in your phone.