Dean Solomon: So... you're a janitor?
James: That's right. I'm a black man so I must be a janitor. Motherfucking racist-ass stereotyper.
Dean Solomon: It's just, you're... wearing a janitor's outfit.
James: Oh. So a black man can't just go in a thrift shop and buy a janitor's outfit 'cause he find it comfortable on his nuts.
Dean Solomon: No, he can. Especially a black man.
John Solomon: What do you do?
James: I'm a janitor.
Bruce Campbell: You don't know fear, kid. You've never worked with Sam Raimi.
Billy: Let's carve a scary face this time.
Trudie: There may not be such a thing as a perfect job, a perfect life or a perfect family, but there is such a thing as a perfect moment. So I take back what I said. Doing one crazy thing probably does make you crazy, but it also can make you happy.
Dan Burns: I don't want to go out with the pig... face.
Trina: I'm sure she's fine.
Angela: Trick, was anybody talking to you?
Trina: Trick?
Angela: Yes, trick. As in slut, whore, tramp. You don't know your name?
Joe Kingman: My dad never let me have sugar.
Peyton Kelly: Is that why you never smile?
Cam Wexler: Shit! Shit shit shit... pardon my French.
Charlie: I speak a little French and that sounded like "shit."
Feng: Ladies and Gentlemen. Athletes. I bid you Toodles.
Kate: I wish there was a cookbook for life, you know? Recipes telling us exactly what to do. I know, I know, you're gonna say "How else will you learn, Kate."
Therapist: Mm. No, actually I wasn't going to say that. You want to guess again?
Kate: No, no, go ahead.
Therapist: Well what I was going to say was, you know better than anyone, it's the recipes that you create yourself that are the best.
Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: Fuck off.
Alison Scott: What?
Ben Stone: What?
Peggy: It's nice to have a word that can describe you. I've never had that before.
Dudley Frank: What'd you do, Woody?
Woody Stevens: I cut the gas lines of their bikes, and then I maybe blew up their bar.
Annabelle Fritton: Daddy, you can't expect me to stay here, it's like Hogwarts for Pikeys!
L. C. Cheever: You got it backwards kid. You play cards the way you should lead your life. And you lead your life the way you should play cards.
Mr. Parks: "Most people go to their graves with their music inside them." - What was Mr. Holmes saying? Come on guys, it's not that hard. He's saying that most people die without discovering their own genius, without expressing the uniqueness that makes them special.
Stan Minton: What the fuck just happened in there?
Mal: You lost, Stanley.
Stan Minton: I didn't lose. You're the lawyer. You lost.
Mal: I'm truly sorry.
Stan Minton: Damn it man, I'm rich! I wanted some of that O.J. Justice.
Dr. Godfrey: It's true! Vagina Dentata! Vagina Dentata! Vagina Dentata!
Benjamin: We are journalists! We can't do this. It is unethical... and insane.
Simon: It would be a pleasure to personally catch him.
Benjamin: By ourselves. By ourselves. We don't even have any weapons.
Simon: If I gave you a gun, would you know how to use it?
Benjamin: No.
Simon: Then what the fuck are you complaining about?
Duck: I told you. The moment you start drinking that Bosnian brandy, the devil's sitting in the corner, just laughing.