Murphy Bivens: I'll see you in the sequel, bitch.
Pat: The Death Star would take out the Enterprise with one shot.
Jenny: The Enterprise has deflector shields.
Ben Murphy: Do you wanna walk the midget?
Paige Hardwicke: Oh, let's see the new Colin Farrell movie.
Carter Webb: Oh, let's not.
April Epner: Your wife was seeing someone else?
Frank: Pretty much everyone else. I was too much for her.
April Epner: Your wife? I'm sure she didn't feel that way.
Frank: She told me.
April Epner: What did she say?
Frank: 'You're too much for me.'.
April Epner: Ugh.
Mackenzie Carpenter: Lenny couldn't find his ass with both hands.
Wilson: Misanthrope seeks misanthrope. Honestly, if you respond to this ad then you are probably not the kind of woman I'd go out with. I guess I'm lonely and it's new years and I'm willing to embarrass the hell out of myself with this ad. About me: My girlfriends over the years have been intelligent and beautiful, in the end they have all broken my heart, whatever that means. My friend says I have to have a foto, so here it is. Talk to you soon. Wilson.
Jack: This isn't Paris. This is hell.
Jean Paul Clement: Most people are together just so they are not alone. But some people want magic. I think you are one of those people.
Jake Rodgers: I'm the Black Rambo.
Gina: ...Blambo?
Turner Claymore: Here at Berm-Tech we offer you a handshake, whether you have hands, hooks, or flippers.
Rachel: We can all survive Simon, you just don't have to look so damn sad doing it.
Silas: I gonna drop you like K-Fed.
Daphne Wilder: God couldn't be everywhere so that is why he invented mothers.
Maggie: What? That was on a Hallmark card we gave you.
Alex Fletcher: Just a little bit louder, because this song is intended for humans, okay? Way Back Into Love, take two.
Glen the Desk Clerk: Hello, welcome to the International Inn. How many?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: There's 8 of us.
Glen the Desk Clerk: 8, 8 people for a suckfest.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, no suckfest. We're here for a convention.
Glen the Desk Clerk: I like convention too. I'm in a convention. A suckfest convention.
Oglethorpe: The only thing bull semen has ever done for me is activate my gag reflex.
Dennis: I can lose weight, but you'll always be an asshole!