Alex Fletcher: People wait their whole lives to see an ex when things are going really good. It never happens. You could make relationship history.
Alex Fletcher: I've a strange situation here.
Chris Riley: Oh, you've got a strange situation? I'm at Beth's soccer game with my ex-wife who's here with my ex-gardener. They came on a riding mower.
Alex Fletcher: You're Cole Porter in panties. Of course, having said that, Cole Porter probably did wear panties.
Alex Fletcher: The thing that really hurts is my upper gum. I think I may have impaled myself on a dinner roll. It's a very good thing they didn't have bread sticks. I could have lost an eye.
Khan: Mr. Fletcher, I have Sophie here for you.
Alex Fletcher: Well, that sounds like fun. Who is she?
Khan: She says she's here to do your plants.
Alex Fletcher: No, tell her Jane does my plants.
Khan: She says it will only take five minutes and this is a good time for her.
Alex Fletcher: It seems she cannot be stopped. Send her up.
Alex Fletcher: Just a little bit louder, because this song is intended for humans, okay? Way Back Into Love, take two.
Alex Fletcher: You don't think that going to a party and telling the hostess that she simultaneously destroyed two musical cultures is rude? I'm enrolling you at the nearest charm school.
Greg Antonsky: Maybe you want something more commercial. More Pop-y.
Alex Fletcher: Just hold that thinly veiled insult on second.
Sophie Fisher: The worst part is, he still has some power over me. I still care what he thinks.
Alex Fletcher: I'm sorry, but how - how can that possibly be? The guy is a jerk.
Sophie Fisher: Well, that's easy for you to say, but.
Alex Fletcher: No, no. He is a jerk! He is a jerk. It's not a question. He is a jerk.
Sophie Fisher: But.
Alex Fletcher: No, he is! He's a jerk! He's a jerk.
Chris Riley: Alright, it's my fault and I hate myself for it, but I'm not upset, and do you know why?
Alex Fletcher: You've been at my liquor?