Elliot Wilhelm: When are you going to call me?
Chili Palmer: When your phone rings.
Toby: Your parent's house is a lot nicer.
Bree Osbourne: My parent's house comes with my parents.
Victoria: I was a virgin. My virginity was my most cherished possession. My gift from God. My gift was taken from me.
Pucci: Tragic and most damnable. What was the name of this vile seducer?
Victoria: Giacomo Casanova. When Casanova came to my room and... Robbed me... I fought for my honour
Pucci: Are you saying that you would be willing to give me the testimony that I need to hang him?
Victoria: Yes. But I would be worried about my reputation.
Pucci: Of course. But I think we could say if everything went according to plan we could return your reputation *and* your virginity to you.
Victoria: You could do that?
Pucci: Oh, yes. We are the Catholic Church. We can do anything.
Valiant: It's not the size of your wingspan that counts, no, it's the size of your spirit.
T.J. Hicks: Did you know Holland invented chicken and waffles?
Deuce Bigalow: Really?
T.J. Hicks: Before that you could get chicken or waffles, but they were the first to put them together! Black people all over the world will be forever grateful to the Dutch for that.
Deuce Bigalow: You know the Dutch started the slave trade.
T.J. Hicks: Those mother fuckers.
Mayor Buckman: Got any last requests, boy?
Malcolm: Yeah. Kiss my black ass.
Maitre D': Whats wrong with him?
Elizabeth Masterson: It's a tension pneumothorax.
David Abbott: I think it's a tension nemothax, sir.
Elizabeth Masterson: Pneumothorax.
David Abbott: Nuemathax, sir.
Elizabeth Masterson: Pneumothorax.
David Abbott: Numathurman.
Elizabeth Masterson: Never mind.
David Abbott: Never mind.
Pickle Factory boss: Writer huh? Are you sure?
Henry Chinaski: No, I'm not. I'm halfway through a novel.
Pickle Factory boss: What's it about?
Henry Chinaski: Everything.
Pickle Factory boss: It's about... cancer?
Henry Chinaski: Yes.
Pickle Factory boss: How about my wife?
Henry Chinaski: She's in there too.
Tom Baker: What do you do for a living Eliot?
Eliot: Well... I'm in 8th grade.
Red: What big ears you have.
The Wolf: All the better to hear your many criticisms.
Chanel: I know Botox Barbie didn't just call me ignorant.
Reggie: I see buckets of dead relatives! Extra crispy! Extra crispy.
Hadley Wolfmeyer: What kind of a dickhead runs away with his secretary? That is lame, take a right, make a left at pathetic.
Mr. Marks: Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?
Special Agent Derrick Vann: You know how I can tell you're lyin'? I can smell the bullshit coming out of your mouth.
June: It is impossible to say Goodbye to someone you love. It is easier to say 'See ya Later... may be in heaven'.
Ron: Naked mole rat. Weird enough for ya?
Holly Hamilton: I'm whipped, so time to hit the sheets, even though I have no idea which box there in.
Majeed: I was the funniest one in school... and the funniest one in explosives training.