Garfield: I've found that if you wait long enough, everything comes to you.
Alex: Love makes you do crazy things, insane things, things in a million years you never thought you'd see yourself do. There you are doing it... can't help it.
Tommy Johnson: What else are you gonna do on a Saturday? Sit in your fuckin' armchair wankin' off to Pop Idols? Then try and avoid your wife's gaze as you struggle to come to terms with your sexless marriage? Then go and spunk your wages on kebabs, fruit machines and brasses? Fuck that for a laugh! I know what I'd rather do. Tottenham away, love it.
The Duke: Don't you fucking talk to me like I'm some kind of mug. Don't you fucking talk to me like that.
XXXX: Duke, don't take this personally. It's business. Now, you want to know how much these pills are worth?
The Duke: Yes. Fucking. Please.
XXXX: Now just because you pay a fiver a pop down the local cattle market, don't, for fuck's sake, think these pills are worth millions. They're not. We've got to find someone to buy these pills and they've got to split them into parcels, of say 100,000. They've got to find these people. It's hard work.
The Duke: Oh, you'd give a fucking aspirin a headache pal.
Det. Inspector Webster: You perform abortions, don't you?
Vera: That's not what I do dear. That's what you call it. But they need help. Who else they got to turn to? No one. I help them out.
Abe: Aaron, I can imagine no way in which this thing could be considered anywhere remotely close to safe. All I know is I spent six hours in there and I'm still alive... You still want to do it?
Count Olaf: I must say, you're a gloomy looking bunch. Why are you so glum?
Klaus Baudelaire: Our parents just died.
Count Olaf: [nonchalantly.] Ah, yes. How very dreadful. Wait, let me do that one more time. Give me the line again while it's fresh in my mind.
Klaus Baudelaire: Our parents just died?
[Olaf pretends to be shocked.].