Hilary: If you think being an ordinary person is any easier than being an extraordinary one, you're wrong.
Felix Ungar: You got a lawyer?
Oscar Madison: Yeah, in Florida. He's 92. It takes him six hours to walk to the telephone. Case will be over.
John Lee: It will be the last death I cause.
Dock Newton: You ain't any less of a drunk now than you was when hooch was legal.
Jess Newton: Well, you see, there's my point. That particular law ain't really doin' it's job, now is it?
Captain Howdy: So much flesh...so little time.
Tyrell: Don't get her started all right. It's a long fucked up story and you probably won't believe it anyway. All I know is that this is the worst vacation of my life. I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm fucking horny and I ain't seen one goddamn psycho killer.
Joan: The lad doesn't say much and when he does, he finds just the right words to crush my soul.
Rose: I don't give a damn. People are always saying 'The children. Pity the children'. I'm tired of the children. They haven't lived, given birth, watch their friends die. I have invested 80 years in this life. The children don't know what they're missing.
Stoner Guy: You know who else I like that didn't get much play? Velma from Scooby-Doo. She was cool. She was a hip, hip lady.
Bustopher Jones: When I'm seen in a hurry, there's probably curry at the Siamese or at the Glutton.
Isadora: If you ever miss me, take a look at our little portrait. I say this because I fear that you'll forget me as well. I miss my father. I miss everything. Dora.
Howard Ferguson: He's lost them.
Henry Burton: Fuck 'em. He's got me.
Sen. Jay Billington Bulworth: I'm not sure you can get aids by burning down your house, but I get your point.
Trillian St. James: What the hell are these things?
Finnegan: Real unfriendly.
Finn: The night all of my dreams came true, and like all happy endings, It was a tragedy, Of my device, for I succeeded. I had cut myself loose from Joe, from the past, from the gulf, from poverty I had invented myself. I'd done it cruelly, but I had done it. I was free.
Michael: This family is kaput.
General Copperfield: The first thing we'd like to know is what we're dealing with: Biological, chemical, or other.
Sheriff Bryce Hammond: ...Well, I'm leaning towards "other."
Patrick Ross: Eve.
Eve: Patrick.