Mal: The strength of evil is good as none when stands before four hearts as one.
Mr. Green: We both know Miley was flawless.
David: I'm going to do it with a knife.
Short Sighted Woman: Do you want me to come with you?
David: I'd rather you didn't.
Short Sighted Woman: Don't worry. It's strange at first but then you'll get used to it. The other senses are heightened, touch for example, and hearing.
David: I know... I won't be long.
Lily: You're the ogre.
Adam Jones: Yes. But I bake great cakes.
Wullie: You look like a haunted tree.
Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Ted: 9/11!
Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay, all right. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No you didn't!
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby.
Carson Welch: The future isn't just something that happens. It's a brutal force with a great sense of humor that will steamroll you if you're not watching.
Maya Blart: Look, Dad, you're going to have to get use to the idea that I'm a big girl now.
Paul Blart: Ok, first of all, we're all big. We're Blarts. Wide hips, thick ankles, and a low center of gravity. That's how the good Lord made us. That's why we're no good at running hurdles. Never will be.
Bianca Piper: In the end, it isn't about popularity or even getting the guy. It's about understanding that no matter what label is thrown your way, only you can define yourself.
Evelyn Greenslade: I don't know why I tell you anything.
Muriel Donnelly: Because I'm older and wiser.
Evelyn Greenslade: Nineteen days older.
Muriel Donnelly: That's the entire lifespan of a wasp.
Napoleon Solo: He's trying. To stop. The car.
Gaby Teller: We're struggling here. Why don't you take a shot at him?
Napoleon Solo: Somehow, it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do.
Kevin Griswold: There was a hole in the side of my stall.
Rusty Griswold: Sounds like you found yourself a glory hole.
Elliott the Groom: Will you marry me?
The Bride: Yes.
Bill Murray: By the power invested in me by the Writers Guild of America, the Screen Actors Guild and the Directors Guild... I'm also on the wait list to the Teamsters Union... I now pronounce you two officially reengaged.
Murray: Please don't kill me.
Vlad: Talking toilet paper... well that's a new one.
Duncan: The Bathematicians were so excited when I told them that Amanda Cartwright's daughter was my sister's best friend.
Gertie Michaels: Stepsister.
Duncan: Why would you say that? That's so hurtful.
Bucky: Such a fuss, when everything we want is right in front of us the whole time.
Ben: All right, scouts. Let's kick some zombie ass.
Joy: Don't ever think that the world owes you anything, because it doesn't. The world doesn't owe you a thing.