Ted 2

Ted 2 (2015)

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Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Ted: 9/11!
Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay, all right. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No you didn't!
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby.

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Ted: So do you call it Arizona State University or just HPVU?

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Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny, only guys with tits.

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Samantha Jackson: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.

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[A library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything.]
John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted: We are so sorry!
Female Nurse: Well I guess it's all right - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.

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Ted: What's your middle name?
Samantha Jackson: Leslie.
Ted: Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
Samantha Jackson: Who is that?
Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

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