Best comedy movie quotes of 2015

Susan Cooper: Well, here's to your mom.
Rayna Boyanov: To my mother. And to you.
Susan Cooper: And here's to you. I mean you may never be as wise as an owl but you'll always be a hoot to me! Haha.
Rayna Boyanov: What a stupid fucking retarded toast. You're delightful.
Susan Cooper: As are you.

Darnell Lewis: We do this, we do this hard!
James King: I can get hard.

Dad's Anger: Uh-oh, she's looking at us. [Turns off TV] What did she say?
Dad's Fear: Uh, sorry, sir, no one was listening.
Dad's Anger: Is it garbage night? Uh, we left the toilet seat up! What? What is it, woman, what?!

Omi: It started with the wind, on a cold night, much like this. It was almost Christmas, but this Christmas was darker, less cheerful. But I still believed in Santa, in magic and miracles, and the hope that we could find joy again. But our village had given up on miracles, and on each other. They had forgotten the spirit of Christmas, the sacrifice of giving, and my family was no different. I tried to help them to believe again, but we were no longer the loving family I remembered. They too had given up. And eventually, so did I. And for the first time, I didn't wish for a miracle. I wished for them to go away. A wish I would come to regret. And that night, in the darkness of a howling blizzard... I got my wish. I knew Saint Nicholas was not coming this year. Instead, it was a much darker, more ancient spirit. The shadow of Saint Nicholas. It was... Krampus. And as he had for thousands of years, Krampus came not to reward, but to punish, not to give, but to take. He, and his helpers. I could only listen as they dragged my family into the underworld, knowing that I would be next. But Krampus did not take me that night. He left me, as a reminder of what happens when hope is lost, when belief is forgotten, and the Christmas spirit...dies.

Maya Blart: Look, Dad, you're going to have to get use to the idea that I'm a big girl now.
Paul Blart: Ok, first of all, we're all big. We're Blarts. Wide hips, thick ankles, and a low center of gravity. That's how the good Lord made us. That's why we're no good at running hurdles. Never will be.

John: This could very well be the greatest conflict between America and Germany in our nation's history!
Gail: Crack a book, John.

Brenner: Pac-Man's a bad guy?

Lily: You're the ogre.
Adam Jones: Yes. But I bake great cakes.

Wullie: You look like a haunted tree.

Lucy van Pelt: No dogs.

Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Ted: 9/11!
Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay, all right. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No you didn't!
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby.

Owens: I took you off the street. Taught you my trade. I taught you my passion. Three generations of skills. And in spite of all my earnest efforts, in spite of all my hard work, you turned into a good person.

Muriel Donnelly: I came with low expectations and I was disappointed.

Fish: Alright, all secondary characters, come with me.

Dianna: Your thoughts?
Amy: I'm sorry, I just... I don't know why we treat these athletes like heroes just because they can skate fast or kick a ball in a net. I just think it's weird. No offense. I just think that sports are stupid, and anyone who likes them is just, like, a lesser person. And has a small intellect.

Mrs. Ari: It's 2 AM. You sat down to watch this movie at midnight.
Ari Gold: I'm mentally prepping. I'm gonna start now. Wanna join me?
Mrs. Ari: You said I couldn't.
Ari Gold: Well you can blow me through it in case it sucks.

Otis: We lost two assets attempting to neutralize Wiseman-designate Howell.
Adrian Yates: How is that possible?
Otis: He was armed with a spoon, sir.

Dennis: I wouldn't mind shagging your leg right now.
Neil Clarke: I thought I turned you into a rational thinking creature.
Dennis: Rational thinking creature still have desires.
Neil Clarke: We'll soon deal with that.
Dennis: No! Don't take my desires away from me.
Neil Clarke: Why not?
Dennis: They wouldn't make my life worth living! Biscuits, shagging.

Daughter: Mom, there's something wrong with nana and papa.
Mom: They're just OLD.

Greg: I remember visiting Rachel too. Sometimes she talked, and sometimes she didn't want to. When she didn't want to I talked. Or we watched movies. Sometimes she laughed, sometimes she didn't.