Mortdecai (2015)

Mortdecai: Your mother and father only met once, and money changed hands. Probably less than a 20, and they say she was dressed as a man at the time.

Mortdecai: What should I do now?
Jock: Run, sir.
Mortdecai: Again?
Jock: Yes.

Mortdecai: I had no idea I was so deep in Her Majesty's hole.

Mortdecai: Oh, how I long for the rain and indifference of Europe.

Mortdecai: Oh, my darling, I tried desperately to be unfaithful to you, I really did. But I just couldn't do it.
Johanna: It's a terrible moment when you finding yourself falling in love with your own spouse, isn't it?
Mortdecai: Now that is the look that softens every bone in my body, except one.

Mortdecai: ...kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt.
Johanna: Uhh, don't point that thing at me.
Jock: Told ya.

Martland: The fact that you're as drunk as a fiddler's bitch in no way obviates the fact that you very nearly caused an international incident. A man your age has no excuse for looking or behaving like a fugitive from a home for alcoholic music hall artistes.
Mortdecai: I will have you know that I am not an alcoholic. I am a drunk, and there is a vast difference.