Katie: Listen, Coop - last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this: Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, *cut*. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and fuck his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.
Iris Murdoch: People have obsessions and fears and passions which they don't admit to. I think every character is interesting and has extremes. It's the novelist privilege to see how odd everyone is.
Osmosis: We were so poor, we lived off peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?
Drix: OK, I get it. You were poor.
Osmosis: You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of toilet paper cling-ons? Now that's poor!
Drix: OK, please, you're going to make me vomit!
Osmosis: Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit; that's for rich folk.
Drix: Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.
Osmosis: Oh, you wanna talk about wiping?
Drix: No.
James: Thanks for rescuing me tonight. I never get a chance to do this. I never got to be someone.
Chloe: You already are someone, I mean. Our parents got to be kids. Now it's our turn.
Ian: You know when you're with someone there's only a very short time when you can really give each other things for free... with neither of you having to ask. Because later on all you do is make demands of each other. Perhaps the only difference between her and all the rest is that she's asking you for nothing.
Stan: There's been a PI at the shark pool.
Jordan: PI?
Stan: Puking incident. Some kid puked all over the shark pool. Anyway, I need you to clean it up for me right away. A.S.A.P.
Susan: Are you hungry?
Karel Vojtí?ek: Not really... Yes.
Susan: Not really - yes?
Karel Vojtí?ek: I mean yes. Sorry... My English isn't very well. I mean good.
Helen: Some people smoke pot, some people bungee jump, some people chant. What do you do to be happy?
Jessica: Nothing. I'm not.
Phil Allen: A beauty is that, Shelley. A beauty.
Stu Miley: The woman I love is living with a horny little monkey that looks like me.
Kitty: What a lucky girl.
Jack: I thought I was disconnected from everything, for a long time I'd been leading an unstable, risky life. I'd hung out with all sorts of people, nothing could shock me anymore. I was not impressed by the unexpected, I'd always been able to handle it. That night however, when I saw Claire again, I just fell to pieces. I thought I'd managed to forget her, I'd overcome the pain and remorse which made me want to see her again.
Napoleon Bonaparte: I am Napoleon.
Nicole 'Pumpkin' Truchaut: No, you're not Napoleon! I hate Napoleon! He's filled France with widows and orphans! He took my husband! I won't let him take you.
Amy Mandell: The primary difference between a man and a woman is that man gets his self-esteem when a woman says yes and a women gets hers when she says no.
Jackie: I'm calling from a pay phone because I can't get my piece of sht cell phone to work unless I stand on my head with my fingers up my ass!
Kelly: Are you crying?
Berke Landers: No, you're squeezing my puncture wound.
Narrator: Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison: America's Sweethearts.
Corelli: The other night when you were dancing the way you were moving the turn of your head. I thought I could watch you forever.
Pelagia: You think you can come here and turn my whole world upside down?
Lance Barton: I got roaches. Who here got roaches?
Man in Audience: Everybody got roaches, man. It's Harlem.
Archie: Uh-oh! Uh-oh.
Dr. Dolittle: Uh-oh, what? What's the problem?
Archie: Ice cream is acting up.
Dr. Dolittle: What ice cream?
Archie: I got depressed after Sonny and Ava, and I went on a bender. And by the second gallon, I realised I'm in love with Ava and this ice cream called "Cherry Garcia."
Mary: Oh my God, you castrated him.