Best comedy movie quotes of 1998

Jessica: Tum Tum, I made your favorite bacon, lettuce, tomato, bologna, ham and swiss cheese sandwich.
TumTum: No thanks mom, I'm not hungry.

Allie: Well, look at that. The clock man is sexually harassing the clock lady. How typical.
Eddie: Uh, don't witness it. You might have to testify.
Allie: Wow, Eddie. That was actually clever.

Martha: I've heard you British guys are all gentleman. You are British aren't you?
Daniel: English actually.

Gwen Cromwell Piper: You are not a witch.
Marnie Cromwell: Oh, yes, I am, no thanks to you. You were going to let my powers go away forever.

Matko Destanov: The Bulgarians always say: "Brother, if you can't solve a problem with money... solve it with a lot of money."

Sam: Kelly Van Ryan is accusing me of rape.
Kenneth Bowden: Kelly Van Ryan? As in Sandra Van Ryan?
Sam: As in, I'm fucked.

Popov: We're Russians! We demand you take us to the Russian imbecile.
Natalya: It's "Embassy," imbecile.

Edwards: Mr. President, we have to give bears the right to vote... or bears will rise up and then bears will be in congress and we will be the ones performing in the circus, wearing little hats.

Tiffany: Well, hello, dolly.

Stoner Guy: You know who else I like that didn't get much play? Velma from Scooby-Doo. She was cool. She was a hip, hip lady.

Squirrel #1: ...Bagel chips.
Squirrel #2: Back off, or you'll find your nuts in a tree.
Squirrel #1: Ow! Where's the love?

Felix Ungar: Better pull off the freeway, Oscar, I have to eat. I have a low sugar condition, I have to eat every four hours.
Oscar Madison: Why the hell didn't you eat when we were back at El Pollo Loco?
Felix Ungar: Because it wasn't time to eat yet, it was time to pee. Sheesh.

Keenan: That's the ugliest cat I've ever seen.
Joan: She's an angel.
Keenan: She only has one eye.
Joan: Yeah, but it's her good one.

Gov. Jack Stanton: I'm going to tell you something really outrageous. I'm going to tell you the truth.

Morgan's hitman: You've got two choices. Give us the disk and jump off.
Morgan's Hitman: Or number two, we take the disk and throw you off.
Who Am I?: I like the third choice: I keep the disk, and I throw you both off.

Cliff: Who wants to do a bong... how about you.

Judge: Ryan Harrison, a jury of your peers have found you guilty of murder. On August 12th at Stillwater Federal Prison you shall have your sentence carried out. You shall be executed buffet style: lethally injected, electrocuted, and placed before a firing squad. May God have mercy on your soul, you bastard you.

Darryl: They killed my baby. He got involved with that whole east coast-west coast thing, and being that he is so Chicago they both banged on him.

Joe Cooper: If you want unanimous consent, you're gonna have to get it from one of the other owners.

Jay Murphy: It's hard to tell how many emotions were real and how many were manufactured just to get the other person to bring over more pot.