Best comedy movie quotes of 1998

Max Fischer: How the hell did you get so rich? You're a quitter, man.
Herman Blume: I spent eight million dollars on this.
Max Fischer: And is that all you're willing to spend?

Gwen Cromwell Piper: You are not a witch.
Marnie Cromwell: Oh, yes, I am, no thanks to you. You were going to let my powers go away forever.

Ruber: Panic sweeps across the land.
Gryphon: Precisely.
Ruber: My plan is perfect.
Gryphon: Precisely.
Ruber: Without the sword, Arthur is vulnerable.
Gryphon: Precisely.
Ruber: And now Excalibur is mine.
Gryphon: Eh... here's where we enter a grey area.

Allie: Well, look at that. The clock man is sexually harassing the clock lady. How typical.
Eddie: Uh, don't witness it. You might have to testify.
Allie: Wow, Eddie. That was actually clever.

Alice Kinnon: If when making love, the man... spurts... outside the woman, does that count as sexual intercourse?
Tom Platt: "Spurts"?
Alice Kinnon: If it... squirts outside, without getting in... does that count as losing your virginity?
Tom Platt: No part of the man got in at any time?
Alice Kinnon: I don't think so.
Tom Platt: I think part has to get in to be considered sexual intercourse.
Alice Kinnon: So then I was a virgin.

Popov: We're Russians! We demand you take us to the Russian imbecile.
Natalya: It's "Embassy," imbecile.

Cliff: I really shouldn't be driving, I have a suspended license.
Cooper: Really? For what?
Cliff: Attempted vehiclular manslaughter... whatever the fuck that means.

Stoner Guy: You know who else I like that didn't get much play? Velma from Scooby-Doo. She was cool. She was a hip, hip lady.

Reporter: Senator, do you plan to make rap a regular part of your campaign?
Sen. Jay Billington Bulworth: A part of my campaign? Now that just sounds insane.

Felix Ungar: Better pull off the freeway, Oscar, I have to eat. I have a low sugar condition, I have to eat every four hours.
Oscar Madison: Why the hell didn't you eat when we were back at El Pollo Loco?
Felix Ungar: Because it wasn't time to eat yet, it was time to pee. Sheesh.

Grizabella: Touch me! It's so easy to leave me all alone with the memory of my days in the sun. If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is. Look! A new day has begun.

Shelly Krippendorf: I just chased poultry through my backyard, looking like Tammy Faye Bakker. You owe me.

Exercise Tape Fan: Would you sign this? I use your exercise tape.
Supermodel: You do?
Exercise Tape Fan: So do I.
Exercise Tape Fan: But I exercise to it.

Edwards: Mr. President, we have to give bears the right to vote... or bears will rise up and then bears will be in congress and we will be the ones performing in the circus, wearing little hats.

Jessica: Tum Tum, I made your favorite bacon, lettuce, tomato, bologna, ham and swiss cheese sandwich.
TumTum: No thanks mom, I'm not hungry.

Jay Murphy: It's hard to tell how many emotions were real and how many were manufactured just to get the other person to bring over more pot.

Male Pigeon: The heart of a hawk! The heart of a hawk! The heart of a hawk.

Martha: I've heard you British guys are all gentleman. You are British aren't you?
Daniel: English actually.

Stoner: Rude fuckin' doll.

François Pignon: Do you sleep with all your editors?
Pierre Brochant: None of your damn business.