Felix Ungar: Better pull off the freeway, Oscar, I have to eat. I have a low sugar condition, I have to eat every four hours.
Oscar Madison: Why the hell didn't you eat when we were back at El Pollo Loco?
Felix Ungar: Because it wasn't time to eat yet, it was time to pee. Sheesh.
Felix Ungar: Look, we have to have a plan, agreed?
Oscar Madison: Agreed.
Felix Ungar: Okay. What do you think the plan should be?
Oscar Madison: I don't care. I agreed. I did my part.
Oscar Madison: Why don't we call Budget and ask them to deliver it?
Felix Ungar: Deliver, deliver where? You've already crisscrossed California more than the covered wagons did a hundred years ago! What the hell are we gonna tell them, follow the burnt pieces of directions on the freeway?
Peaches: I'm having a dinner party Friday night, we're short one man.
Oscar Madison: How about Abe here, he's a short man.
Peaches: You can run Oscar, but you can't hide! See ya.
Oscar Madison: Oh, that's such an original expression. I hate a woman who talks like Muhammed Ali.
Oscar Madison: The wick is almost out, Felix. All I want is for the candle to glow one last time rather than curse the darkness.
Felix Ungar: It's not going out, Oscar, not yours and not mine. But I still have hope that somewhere out there we'll find the right lamplighter.
Oscar Madison: You know, we just used so many metaphors I forgot what the hell we were talking about.
Felix Ungar: You got a lawyer?
Oscar Madison: Yeah, in Florida. He's 92. It takes him six hours to walk to the telephone. Case will be over.
Brucey Madison: You thinking about moving out here, Pop?
Oscar Madison: To where? Santa Yosinta-Malienta-Poliguenta? I'm not gonna learn another language just to find my way home at night.
Felix Ungar: Los Pintos, Los Bresis, Los Picos. Sound familiar?
Oscar Madison: Yeah they're hotels in Aucopoco.
Felix Ungar: Ha ha! Look a car has to come from some direction. I'm gonna go stand on the other side of the road.
Oscar Madison: So we can catch all the heavy traffic at five o'clock at Los Picos.
Felix Ungar: Got a better idea, Los Idiot?
Oscar Madison: Was it San Marino?
Felix Ungar: Not San Marino, maybe San Quentino.
Oscar Madison: Not San Quentino, San Sorina.
Felix Ungar: No not San Sorina.
Oscar Madison: San Mateo. San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.
Felix Ungar: Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzales.
Oscar Madison: Ferrando Lamas, Ricardo Montalban.
Felix Ungar: Ricky Ricardo.
Oscar Madison: It took us 2 hours to get here. It's gonna take us 5 hours to go back because I don't know how the hell we got here in the first place. Then we'd have to make three stops: one for you to pee, one for you to let locked in the john, one to pay a kid $5 to get out, and then we'd have to stop again for you to eat. Do you understand what I'm talking about?
Felix Ungar: They've probably got poisonous spiders out here.
Oscar Madison: Get out of here, what are they gonna live on? You think they're waiting around for two schmucks like us to show up?
Oscar Madison: Hello there. What do you want?
Little Boy: Five dollars.
Oscar Madison: Why should I give you five dollars?
Little Boy: Your friend said you would for telling you that he's locked in the bathroom.
