Elise: I'm not Monique's Mother.
Maurice: No.
Elise: Angela Lansbury's Monique's Mother.
Maurice: Uh-huh.
Elise: Shelley Winters is Unique's mother.
Maurice: Now that's a good one.
Elise: Sean Connery is Monique's mother.
Maurice: And I'm going to get you some coffee.
Taffy Dale: Guess it wasn't the dove.
Grace Winterbourne: How did I ever raise such a snob?
Bill Winterbourne: It's a mystery Mother... let's ask the servants.
Alexia: Today is definitely day one.
Hayley: Day one of what?
Alexia: My diet. Oh, excuse me. I mean your diet. A fruit and veggie fast. You're bloated.
Hayley: What are you talking about? I'm a knockout. Make-up may be a bit heavy. Not me.
Dosmo Pizzo: You better tell him I'm not fucking around, Susan.
Susan Parish: He's not fucking around.
Zeke: Step outside.
Rafe Guttman: Sorry, Zeke - I'm just not in the mood for a blowjob.
Jimmy Flaherty: Prison won't be so bad. I can became a born-again Christian. And that'll be good. Because nobody wants a born-again Christian as their bitch.
Margaret Kramer: Don't do that with the liquor, Russ. It's so... George Bush.
Carol: I wish I could be gay again.
David Leary: I'm very sorry about this, sir, I can assure you it won't happen again. Will it Ben?
Ben: Who can predict the future?
David Leary: I can.
Althea: Larry, I don't to work at the magazine anymore. People there don't listen me and they don't talk to me. They're afraid of me and they don't shake my hand... Larry, I went to Dr. Robert and... he told me that I was sick. I mean, sick, sick. I mean, I've got aids, Larry.
Julia Biggs: Your mother would always tell me, "Girl, you need to get some meat on those bones. Henry ain't got nothing to grab on to back there!"
Rev. Henry Biggs: She just wanted you to eat, that's all.
Julia Biggs: No, she probably wanted me to be as fat as her.
Rev. Henry Biggs: She wasn't that fat.
Julia Biggs: Please, if a policeman saw your mama come walking down the street, he'd yell, "break it up!"
Agent Paul: You do know it is a federal offense to destroy a United States Post Office?
Nurse: Is this man bothering you?
Phil: 'Course he is. He's me dad.
Hank: Most of the time I just keep to myself. I think like what it would be like to be... someone else.
Andera: So why the sad face?
Willie Conway: Job requirement. Happy piano players work the circus.
Richard Clark: Victoria, could you give me a ride home? I seem to have misplaced my car.
Victoria Chapell: Oh, don't worry about it. All the teachers loose their car on their first day.
Bodacious TV Anchor: ...this may be the first time that a serial killer has used poison cereal to kill his victims.
Edwina "Eddie" Franklin: You see the sign back there? It says John 3:16. That is not a biblical quote, baby. You know what that is? That's your sorry road record 'cause you're the anti-coach.