Vera Prescott: Why haven't I met you before?
Fred Melrose: Maybe you ain't been hangin' out in the mailroom.
Vera Prescott: Oooh, the "male room." I like that sound.
Mr. O'Rourke: Don't fuck this up, Mitchell.
Chris Lecce: Problem?
Duncan: We're gonna bring this party up to a nice respectable level. Don't worry, we're not gonna hurt anyone. We're not even gonna touch 'em. We're just gonna make 'em cry a little, just by lookin' at 'em.
Ronald Miller: Nerds, jocks. My side, your side. It's all bullshit. Its hard enough just trying to be yourself.
Tom Granick: It's amazing who's here.
Jane Craig: Who?
Tom Granick: Me.
Daryl Van Horne: Men are such cocksuckers aren't they? You don't have to answer that. It's true. They're scared. Their dicks get limp when confronted by a woman of obvious power and what do they do about it? Call them witches, burn them, torture them, until every woman is afraid. Afraid of herself... afraid of men... and all for what? Fear of losing their hard-on.
Chainsaw: We just got lapped by an old lady in a walker.
Patrick Morenski: Okay, on one end of the spectrum you've got homo, and on the other you've got hetero. Then there's me, way the fuck over here.
Eddie Murphy: Richard said, "The next time the motherfucker call, tell him I said, "Suck my dick." I don't give a fuck. Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit. Do the people laugh when you say what you say?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, tell Bill I said have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. Jello pudding-eating motherfucker."
Ricky Caldwell: My old lady couldn't afford to send me to college. So I got a job. I was washing dishes, dumping trash... all that sort of shit. I think you're gonna like this next part. It sounded like some squirrel getting his nuts squeezed.
Jack Jericho: Being with you isn't a gamble, you can only gamble when you have a choice. I wanna be with you forever, and I don't have a choice about that, maybe I don't have a prayer in the world, but that's not a gamble. Maybe what I feel is not good for you, or for me but I'm not gonna stand here and listen to you tell me it's a bad habit.
Mr. Damnkids: Damn kids.
Grandfather George: You want to know why they're called Faith, Hope, Grace and Charity?
Bill Rowen: Why?
Grandfather George: Your Grandmother. She named them after the virtues I lack. That's marriage for you.
Chris Hammond: How can she stand to be so close to her own body without constantly feeling herself up?
Mrs. Gruen: Mrs Yakamoto, I have your hair. I'm going to slip it under the door.
Sandy Brozinsky: Look, Frank. We're not just jerking you around. Some guys are after us because one of them stole a virus that's gonna kill and destroy all the plants and all the trees all the way around. We stole it back, so now they're gonna kill us. You get it?
Frank: Jesus. The sixties sure were good to you, weren't they?
Lauren Ames: Frank, that's right. Think back to the sixties. People did things for each other.
Frank: They were wasted.
Jimmy Garrett: A human pilot would react differently, because a human pilot would know that he's going to die.
Ernest P. Worrell: No. I-I can't eat on an empty stomach.
Jeremy Capello: This blood's for you.