Elaine: You're a salesman now. The high-five is, it's very grease-monkey.
Puddy: What did I tell you about that?
Elaine: I'm sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid.
Puddy: Oh yeah? I'll tell you what's stupid: you, stupid.
Elaine: Oh that is really mature.
Puddy: Yeah? So are you. You're the grease-monkey.
Elaine: That doesn't make any sense.
George: I'd like to report a problem with one of your mechanics.
Dealership Manager: When did you bring your car in?
George: Yeah right, I'm gonna get my car repaired at a dealership. Why don't I just flush my money down the toilet?
Dealership Manager: Sir, what exactly is the problem?
George: One of your guys, Kip or Ned, short name, stole my Twix candy bar.
Dealership Manager: Are you saying he grabbed your candy bar away from you?
George: He might as well have. I caught him, and his face was covered in chocolate and cookie crumbs.
Dealership Manager: I thought you said it was a Twix.
George: Oh it was, but he claimed it was a 5th Avenue bar.
Dealership Manager: Maybe it was.
George: Oh no, Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch.
Dealership Manager: What about the Hundred Thousand Dollar bar?
George: Nope, rice and caramel.
Dealership Manager: Nougat?
Dealership Manager: Positive?
Employee: You know they changed the name from Hundred Thousand Dollar bar to 100 Grand?
George: All I want is my 75 cents back, an apology, and for him to be fired.
Dealership Manager's Father: I remember when you used to be able to get a Hershey for a nickel.
Male Customer: What's the one with the swirling chocolate in the commercial?
George: They all have swirling chocolate in the commercial.
Dealership Manager's Father: Not Skittles.
Dealership Manager: Dad, I told you you could sit here only if you don't talk.
Female Customer: You make your father sit here all day?
Dealership Manager: He likes it.
George: Alright, do you mind? I have the window. Now what are you gonna do about my Twix?
Male Customer: Twix has too much coconut.
George: No, there's no coconut!
Employee: I'm allergic to coconut.
Dealership Manager: I'm not.
Dealership Manager's Father: A nickel.
George: Excuse me. I believe you just ate my Twix bar. It was dangling, and when you purchased your Twix bar, you got a little freebie. And you never bothered to ask why, or seek out its rightful owner.
Mechanic: First of all, it wasn't a Twix. It was a 5th Avenue bar.
George: You must think I'm pretty stupid. That was no 5th Avenue bar. I can see the crumb right there in the corner of your lip. Now that is a cookie, and we all know that Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch.
Mechanic: It's a little nougat.
George: Nougat? Please. I think I've reached a point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie. So let's not just say things that we both know are obvious fabrications.
Jerry: Well, it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers.
Kramer: Well, I wouldn't go as far as that.
Jerry: You went back to the Jockeys?
Kramer: Wrong again.
Jerry: Oh no...
Elaine: What? What?
Jerry: Don't you see what's going on here? No boxers, no Jockeys.
Elaine: [move back away from Kramer.] Ohhh.
Jerry: The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine. Kramer, say it isn't so.
Kramer: Oh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it.
Timmy: What are you doing?
Timmy: Did...did you just double-dip that chip?
George: Excuse me?
Timmy: You double-dipped the chip.
George: Double-dipped? What are you talking about?
Timmy: You dipped the chip, you took a bite...and you dipped again.
Timmy: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it.
Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long-distance service?
Jerry: Oh, gee. I...I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later?
Telemarketer: Uh...well, I'm sorry. We're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.
Kramer: You're wasting your life.
George: I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.
Kramer: Okay, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?
Kramer: You got money?
Kramer: Do you have a woman?
Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George: I like to get the daily news.
Jerry: "The ocean called, they're running out of shrimp"?
George: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, then I said to him, "oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called and they're running out of you."
Jerry: Really? That's great, you said that to him?
George: Well, actually I, I thought it up on the way over here.
Jerry: Oh, that's not quite the same.
Jerry: So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an eclair, in the receptacle, and you think to yourself...what the hell? I'll just eat some trash.
George: No, no, no, no, no. It was not trash.
Jerry: Was it in the trash?
Jerry: Then it was trash.
George: But it wasn't down in, it was sorta...on top.
Jerry: But it was in the cylinder.
George: Above the rim.
Jerry: Adjacent to refuse is refuse.
George: It was on a magazine, and it still had the doily on.
Jerry: Was it eaten?
George: One little bite.
Jerry: Well, that's garbage.
George: But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt.
Jerry: Well, you my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum.
Jerry: She had man hands.
Elaine: Man hands?
Jerry: The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek mythology. I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
Elaine: Well, would you prefer it if she had no hands at all?
Jerry: Would she have hooks?
Elaine: Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?
Jerry: Kinda cool looking.
George: Well, she apologized, and then she wanted to know if we could get together Wednesday afternoon.
Jerry: Get together?
George: Maybe she just wants to talk to me.
Elaine: Married women don't "get together", they have affairs.
George: Oh my God, an affair. It's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis and William Holden. On the other hand, it probably wouldn't cost me any money.
George: I said "God bless you", is that so wrong?
Jerry: The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his "God bless you"? Because, as the husband, he has the right of first refusal.
George: Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this, once he passes on that option, that "God bless you" is up for grabs.
Jerry: No argument, unless she's one of these multiple sneezers and he's holding his "God bless you" in advance until she completes the series.
George: Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later, and it it was also a single.
Jerry: What if she's having an off night?
Kramer: They're redoing the Cloud Club.
Jerry: Oh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler Building? Yeah, that's a good idea.
Kramer: Of course it is. It's my idea.
Jerry: Which part? The renovating the restaurant you don't own part, or the spending the two hundred million you don't have part?
[Jerry and Elaine found out that the TV that they gave to Drake and his girlfriend was given to his girlfriend after they broke up.]
Jerry: We're not getting that TV back.
George: What do you mean? I mean you gave it to them, we get it back.
Elaine: The Drakette took it.
George: She can't take it. It's not hers, it's theirs. Once there's no theirs, there's no hers. It should be ours.