Cosmo Kramer: Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty.
George Costanza: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
Kramer: It's a write off for them.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write off is, do you?
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Kramer. Well they do, and they're the ones writing it off.
Jerry: I wish I had the last 20 seconds of my life back.
The Suicide - S3-E15
Jerry Seinfeld: The thing I don't understand about the suicide person, is the people that try and commit suicide for some reason, they don't die, and then that's it. They stop trying. Why? Why don't they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact, it's worse, 'cause now they've found out, here's one more thing you stink at. That's why these people don't succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I say if pills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage? Get a tune-up. You know what I mean? There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you've set for yourself.
The Subway - S3-E13
Kramer: All right, Coney Island? OK, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway and Lafayette. Or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue then switch to the IRT, 2, 3, 4, or 5. But don't get on the G. See, that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you gotta get on the R.
Elaine: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
Kramer: Well yeah.
Rental Car Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't understand. I made a reservation. Do you have my reservation?
Agent: Yes we do. Unfortunately, we ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Agent: I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car.
Gwen: I wondered what happened to my fiancé. I know he's here somewhere. Ellen, have you seen my fiancé?
Ellen: He's upstairs.
Gwen: Are you going upstairs? Tell my fiancé I'm looking for him. I have lost my fiancé, the poor baby.
Elaine: [In an Australian accent] Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
Gwen: What?
Elaine: [Australian accent] The dingo ate your baby.
Stu Chermack: What do you think the real problem is?
Rita Kirson: It's Seinfeld. He can't act. It's pathetic. I told you, these stand-ups can't act. I'm cringing watching him.
George Costanza: What if the pilot gets picked up and becomes a series?
Dana Foley: That would be wonderful, George. You'll be rich and successful.
George: That's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'll never let me be happy.
Dana: I thought you didn't believe in God.
George: I do for the bad things.
Dana: Do you hear what you're saying? God isn't out to get you, George. What What is that on your lip?
George: What?
Dana: It's like a discoloration. It's white.
George: [Looking at his reflection] Yes. Yes, it's white. Why is that white?
Dana: You better get that checked out.
George: "Better get that checked out"?
Dana: I would.
George: What kind of a therapist are you? I'm telling you I'm scared that something terrible is going to happen to me, right away you start looking for tumors?
The Virgin - S4-E10
Elaine: Look at George. He lucked out, huh?
Jerry: Oh, you're not kidding. Who'd have figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going.
Elaine: Yeah. Since she met him, she's been vomited on, her family's cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high-paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.
The Switch - S6-E11
Jerry Seinfeld: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I have to dress different. I have to act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and...I'd need a new bedspread, new curtains. I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. Of course, I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. No. I'm not ready for it.
The Switch - S6-E11
George Costanza: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?
The Gymnast - S6-E6
Mr. Pitt: I have been accused of wrongdoing, but these false accusations will not deter us. We will annex Poland by the spring at any cost! And, our stocks will rise high!
The Sponge - S7-E9
Pharmacist: Can I help you?
Elaine: Yeah, do you have any Today Sponges? I know they're off the market, but I was...
Pharmacist: Actually we have a case left.
Elaine: A case? A case of Sponges? I, I mean a case. Hah. Uh... H-how...? How many come in a case?
Pharmacist: 60.
Elaine: 60? Um... Well, I'll take 3.
Pharmacist: 3.
Elaine: Well, make it 10.
Pharmacist: 10?
Elaine: 20 Sponges should be plenty.
Pharmacist: Did you say 20?
Elaine: Yeah. 25 Sponges is just fine.
Pharmacist: 25?
Elaine: Yeah.
Pharmacist: You're set with 25?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah. Just give me the whole case, I'll be on my way.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, my God. Look at this. It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.
George Costanza: "The Rogue's Wallet. It's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding... His name was Costanza. He killed my mother."
Father Curtis: Tell me your sins, my son.
Jerry: Uh, well I should mention that I'm Jewish.
Father Curtis: Oh, that's no sin.
Jerry: Oh, good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I, I have a suspicion he that he converted to Judaism for the jokes.
Father Curtis: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian. And it'll interest you to know, that he's also telling Catholic jokes. And they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.
Father Curtis: I haven't heard that one.
Jerry; Oh, I'm sure you have. They're out on the ocean and yada, yada, yada and she, and she says "those aren't buoys."
Father Curtis: [Laughing].
Jerry: [Father Curtis still laughing] Father.
Father Curtis: One second. [Continues laughing].
Chosen answer: George does mention his brother in the episode "The Parking Space". They actually really never mention anything that contradicts the fact he had a brother though, it just isn't mentioned.