Mr. Green: Who would want to kill the cook?
Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn't that bad.
Colonel Mustard: How can you make jokes at a time like this?
Miss Scarlet: It's my defense mechanism.
Colonel Mustard: Some defense. You know, if I was the killer I would kill you next.
Miss Scarlet: Oh!?
Colonel Mustard: I said if, if. Hey, come on, there is only one admitted killer here and it is certainly not me, it is her.
Mrs. White: Me? I've admitted nothing.
Colonel Mustard: Well, you've paid the blackmail. How many husbands have you had?
Mrs. White: Mine, or other womens'?
Colonel Mustard: Yours.
Mrs. White: Five.
Colonel Mustard: Five?
Mrs. White: Yes, five. Husbands should be like kleenex; soft, strong and disposable.
Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Colonel Mustard: Right.
Mr. Green: So how did you know that Colonel Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?
Colonel Mustard: Certainly not.
Mr. Green: I was asking Miss Scarlet.
Colonel Mustard: Well, you tell them it's not true.
Miss Scarlet: It's not true.
Professor Plum: Is that true?
Miss Scarlet: No, it's not true.
Mr. Green: A-ha! So it is true.
Wadsworth: A double negative.
Colonel Mustard: Double negative? You mean you have photographs?
Wadsworth: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, a double negative has lead to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.
Squiggy: Hey, what's with all the tropical flora?
Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: Didn't you used to date her?
Squiggy: Nah, that was Teresa DeFluca.
State Trooper: What the hell are you driving here?
Del: We had a small fire last night, but we caught it in the nick of time.
State Trooper: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Del: Funny enough, I was just talking to my friend about that. Our speedometer has melted and as a result it's very hard to see with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.
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