Joyce Klaven: Peter always connected better with women.
Zooey: You know, I can see that because he is a great boyfriend.
Peter Klaven: Thank you fiancee.
Oswald Klaven: Also, you got to understand, Zooey, Peter matured sexually at a very early age. I remember taking him swimming when he was twelve-years-old, kid had a bush like a forty-year-old Serbian.
Peter Klaven: Oh come on!
Blanche Gunderson: And that's okay? It's okay to pull the rug out from under folks as long as it's nobody that you know? It's okay because we're just silly podunk Minnesotans, right? We talk funny and we ice-fish and we scrapbook and we drag Jesus into regular conversation. We're not cool like you, right? So we don't matter.
Clerk: [slides card.] Declined.
Rebecca Bloomwood: Can you try again?
Clerk: [slides it again.] Really declined.
Dug: My master made me this collar. He is a good and smart master and he made me this collar so that I can talk. Squirrel!.My master is good and smart.
Carl: It's not possible!
Dug: It is, because my master is smart.
Angus: What about this? What about this situation right here? Can't fuck your way out of this one, can you Mark?
Larry Daley: This is the Smithsonian! This is the big leagues!
Denis Cooverman: I'm sorry I'm so pathetic.
Beth Cooper: Let me tell you something. All boys are pathetic.
Denis Cooverman: Well, then I apologize on behalf of all boys. And sorry for all the wars and stuff.
Beth Cooper: You're funny.
Needy Lesnicky: I thought you only murdered boys.
Jennifer Check: I go both ways.
Gavner Purl: There are no real generals left, hombre. You and I, we're the last of the Mo-Freakins.
Jason: She stuck a lipstick in her boob and it fell out of her pussy... Okay?
Lem: Lem. Llllleeeeeemmmmmm.
Charles Baker: Either your name is Lem, or you want to mate with me. Houston, we have a little problem.
Amy: I tell you the good news and spare you the bad. Isn't that what mom used to do for you when we were kids?
Donnie: The Champ is going to kill me. There's no way I can get out of last place.
Tara: Donnie, he's not going to kill you.
Donnie: Didn't you hear? Last place is a broken rib sandwich.
Tara: Well, you see? Breaking your ribs won't kill you.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: I'm gonna wrap your legs around my head and wear you like the crown that you are.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: If that's OK with you.
Emma Wheeler: Here you go. Sunny-side eggs, sausage with bacon, home fries, homemade biscuits and country gravy. Can I get you anything else?
Paul Morgan: No, thanks. Just an angiogram.
Seth Rogen: Your love glass is half full.
David Santiago: What you do with your life is, really just one half of the equation. The other half, the more important half, really is, who you're with when you're doing it.