Male Receptionist: You made me want to be a woman.
Him: I have that effect on people.
Lyle: Son, I want you to have this. I want you to have my cock ring.
Charlie Goldfinch: Harvard will never accept me with a criminal record, and I am not going to community college.
Leslie Vernon: I don't keep pets that I can't eat.
Templeton: Have you seen the pig next door? I think his mama was part hippo. If I had to name five of the fattest pigs I've ever seen, he'd be three of them.
Bully Kid Tubby: Hey, look. A baseball.
Screwie: Hey, look. The missing link.
Cyborg: There it is! The only Japanese I need to know: All You Can Eat.
Eli: I've got two chicks back at my place who think I'm Moby.
Fortunio Balducci: Anyone who knows anything of history knows that great social changes are impossible without feminine upheaval.
Woody: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and... temperate. Rough winds... blah blah blah... There's something in there I can't remember. And, uh... yadda yadda yadda. I'm sorry, I... I'm no Shakespeare. My guess, Romeo wasn't much of a quarterback either, right?
Walter Nichols: We're going on a ship, and ships don't sink.
Audrey Parker-Nichols: What about the Titanic?
Walter Nichols: That was just a movie.
Audrey Parker-Nichols: Yeah, based on a true story.
Walter Nichols: Really?
Sara Sandoval: I might not know who I am but I know who I'm not, I'm not someone who lets her country down.
Sam: I'm slightly tone deaf, but Matt's always said if I wasn't tone deaf, I'd have a very good voice.
Tanzie Marchetta: You caught me. I guess that, like, makes you my hero.
Carl Peterson: You get your first ten-speed bike, and suddenly you're Lance Armstrong.
Dupree: Let's leave Lance out of this. Guy's done more with one testicle than you and I could do with three.
