Dean Wormer: Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.
Perry White: I want the name of this flying whatchamacallit to go with the Daily Planet like bacon and eggs, franks and beans, death and taxes, politics and corruption.
Melissa: Well I think I've had just about enough of this, thank you very much. I'll think I'll take my things and GET OUT. If you'll pull over to the side, I'm sure I can hitch a ride very easily... Weren't you listening to me? I said I'm ready to get out.
Rubber Duck: You want out? We're being chased. You want out? Jump.
Melissa: You want to add the Mann Act to your collection?
Rubber Duck: Mann Act's for 18 year olds, not someone who's seen the better side of thirty.
Sgt. Stedenko: The only kind of meat a priest could eat on Friday was nun.
General: You'd better bring a coat Mr. Richardson, there's a little Jap in the air.
Dr. Morrison: He means nip.
Marv Gomez: Dancing. Everything else is bullshit.
Mary Ann: He didn't mean any harm, Skipper.
Skipper: Neither did the iceberg that sunk the Titanic.
Henry Moon: We was just sayin' how much we needed a figurine.
Grandmaster Pai Cheng-Cheh: What a bitch. I hope she drops dead.
Cholla: You Philo Beddoe?
Philo Beddoe: Do I know you?
Cholla: You're gonna.
Doctor Watson: Where and at what time does the train leave for Baskerville?
Dr. Mortimer: Tomorrow, 12 o'clock, Victoria.
Doctor Watson: Oh no, you can call me John.
Tony Carlson: What do you say to a bottle of wine and a couple of steaks?
Gloria Mundy: Well, you could start by saying, "Hello."
Joe Pendleton: We don't care how much it costs, just how much it makes. If it costs too much, we charge a penny more. Would you pay a penny to save a fish who thinks?
Clouseau: You mean Douvier killed a wandering transvestite just to impress his godfather?
Lou Peckinpaugh: I'm using rented bullets for my gun. We all got problems.
Millie Michaels: How much would you say she is, Marvin? Does she look like a fifty dollar hooker to you?
Marvin Michaels: I don't know... I guess so.
Millie Michaels: What a cheap brother you've got. We spend a hundred and SEVENTY-FIVE on his lousy kid.
Kenneth W. Dantley, Jr.: 'Scuse me, uh, seventeen miles an hour?
Tico: Fifteen.
Kenneth W. Dantley, Jr.: On the in'erstate. What are ya doin', lookin' for a contact lens?
Tico: You patties crack me up. Still doin' your speed number, huh?
Kenneth W. Dantley, Jr.: Well what are you into, miles per gallon?
Tico: Class...we're into class.
Archie Macaw, Record Producer: Well, one day this rather odd chap hopped into the office. He'd been to see virtually everyone in the business and been shown the door. He asked to see MY door, but I wouldn't show it to him. Instead, he showed me the photographs and tapes of the Rutles. They were pretty rough, but they had something.
Narrator: What was it?
Archie Macaw, Record Producer: I think it was the trousers.
Maggie McKeown: That guard is still out there.
Paul Grogan: Fine, I need you to distract him.
Maggie McKeown: What for?
Paul Grogan: So I can get away.
Maggie McKeown: So you can get away? What about me?
Paul Grogan: Well suit yourself. Just come onto him, tell him what an admirer you are of Army or something like that.
Maggie McKeown: What if he's gay?
Paul Grogan: Then I'll go and distract him.