Quotes from Diane Keaton movies and TV shows

Annie Hall: You're seeing an analyst?
Alvy Singer: Just for 15 years. I'm giving him one more year and then I'm going to Lourdes.

Annie Hall: So I told her about, about the family and about my feelings towards men and about my relationship with my brother. And then she mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that?
Alvy Singer: Me? I'm, I'm one of the few males who suffers from that.

Annie Hall: Oh, you see an analyst?
Alvy Singer: Yeah, just for fifteen years.
Annie Hall: Fifteen years?
Alvy Singer: Yeah, I'm gonna give him one more year, and then I'm goin' to Lourdes.

Annie Hall: You're what Grammy Hall would call a real Jew.
Alvy Singer: Oh. Thank you.

Alvy Singer: What are you depressed about?
Annie Hall: I missed my therapy, I overslept.
Alvy Singer: How can you possibly oversleep?
Annie Hall: The alarm clock.
Alvy Singer: You know what a hostile gesture that is to me?

Alvy Singer: You're extremely sexy. Because you are polymorphously perverse.
Annie Hall: What does that mean?
Alvy Singer: You're exceptional in bed because you get pleasure in every part of your body when I touch it. Like when I touch your nose or stroke your teeth or your kneecaps, you certainly get excited.
Annie Hall: You know what? I like you, I really do.

Annie Hall: La-di-da, la-di-da, la la.

J.C. Wiatt: Now look. There is nothing in the world to get uptight about. We are two summa cum laudes. We can handle one little baby for eight hours.

J.C. Wiatt: If it wasn't for me, you'd be selling shirts at Barney's, you little pisher.

J.C. Wiatt: ... And your sister's name in Wiesbaden - in case of an emergency - and her prison record if any..
Helga Von Haupt: Excuse me?
J.C. Wiatt: Uh, oh, silly! I mean her address if you have it.

Doctor Jeff Cooper: You know... you kind of remind me of a bull terrier of some kind.
J.C. Wiatt: Yeah, I bet you say that to all the girls.

J.C. Wiatt: I can't have a baby because I have a 12:30 lunch meeting.

JC Wiatt: Miss Atwood, I'm not the right sort of person for this!
Miss Atwood: You're the only person, Miss Wiatt. She's a very agreeable child, you'll see. Once you get the hang of it, I'm sure you'll be a wonderful mother.
JC Wiatt: Mother...?

Daphne Wilder: God couldn't be everywhere so that is why he invented mothers.
Maggie: What? That was on a Hallmark card we gave you.

Daphne Wilder: What are you gonna do with your hair? Maybe you oughta button these buttons, you look like you're asking for it.
Milly: I am asking for it.

Sharon: We're on this trip, not because of fate, but because we're best friends for fifty years. We show up for each other. Fate didn't bring us on this trip. Our love for each other did.
Carol: Love and the wonderful people at Lufthansa.
Diane: It was a nice flight.

Sybil Stone: Are those mushrooms?
Meredith Morton: Yes, those are mushrooms.
Patrick Thomas: Isn't Everett allergic to mushrooms?
Meredith Morton: He is?
Ben Stone: OK, what we got going on over here? Santa's workshop. Er... OK, wha-what can I do to be of service Meredith, wha-what can I do?
Meredith Morton: Oh, well... I think I'm all set. Everett had to run some errands in town, then he and Thad are going to meet Julie's bus.
Ben Stone: Are those mushrooms?
Meredith Morton: I didn't know.

Sybil Stone: Christmas is not "clothing optional" this year - we have a guest.

George: You look like you're enjoying seeing me in here.
Nina Banks: Enjoying? Do you think it's enjoyable to get a phone call telling you to come down to the police station because your husband's been arrested for stealing hot dog buns?

Nina Banks: Just because we're older doesn't mean we're old. This is the 90s.