Loki: Last four days on earth?! If I had a dick I'd get laid. I'm gonna do the next best thing...kill people! [Woman next to him chokes on her coffee.] Oh, not you.
Jay: [Waking up.] I didn't come in you, Pete, I swear.
Rufus: In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no. And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.
Jay: She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. Let me know how she is.
Bethany Sloane: NOBODY IS FUCKING ME! YOU GOT THAT?!
Metatron: See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.
Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it.
Metatron: You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?
Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.
Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?
Jay: Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time!
Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.
Jay: The whole fuckin' world's against us dude, I swear to God.