Ron Launius: What the fuck am I going to do with a microwave?
John Holmes: You can heat food with it.
Ron Launius: The only thing I want to heat up right now is some dope.
Lila Montagne: I don't believe in coincidence. These days, I believe in miracles.
Andre Stander: I'm tried for robbing banks. But, I have killed unarmed people.
Judge: That is not the business of the court.
Thomas Garrett: Oh, women. Can't live with 'em. Can't live with 'em.
Mitch: Wow. Cheese. Is that you?
Dean Pritchard: Hello, Mitch. Bernard. I see you guys haven't changed much.
Beanie: Who's this guy?
Mitch: Beanie, you remember Cheese, Rodney's kid brother?
Dean Pritchard: Actually, my name's not Cheese anymore. It's Gordon Pritchard.
Beanie: Oh, yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?
Dean Pritchard: Yea, I got out.
Beanie: Cool man. Good. Glad you did.
Old Monk: Lust awakens the desire to possess. And that awakens the intent to murder.
James Clayton: All I know about the CIA is that they're a bunch of fat, old white guys who fell asleep when we needed them most.
Joanie Fisher: And she's English?
Colin Ware: Welsh. Well, half Welsh.
Joanie Fisher: Half Welsh and half.
Colin Ware: Monster.
Ellis 'Zee' Pettigrew: Those Africans are my people too. For all the years that we have been told to stand down and stand by, you doin' the right thing.
Lt. A.K. Waters: For our sins.
Ellis 'Zee' Pettigrew: Hooyah.
Lt. A.K. Waters: Hooyah.
PJ: If you jacked it, how come you got a receipt?
B-Rad: I stole that too.
Gen. 'Stonewall' Jackson: In the Army of the Shenandoah, you were the First Brigade! In the Army of the Potomac you were the First Brigade! In the Second Corps of this Army, you are the First Brigade! You are the First Brigade in the affections of your general, and I hope by your future deeds and bearing you will be handed down the posterity as the First Brigade in this our Second War of Independence. God Speed.
Charles Townsend: Bosley, I hope the Angels aren't being too rough on you.
Bosley: Man, please. I date fat women. What you talkin' 'bout?
Sgt. Nathan West: Those of you I find lacking will quit. And those of you who refuse to quit will have a training accident. This base suffers three training accidents a year. Unfortunate accidents that I will not hesitate to repeat if you cross me.
Lars Olfen: I had a garage band in Stockholm, which was a challenge in its own right, to keep an instrument tuned with that temperature swing. There's a block warmer for the Volvo in the garage but it's cold in there in the winter. So we played and I had a hit that you might have heard of. "Hur?r l?get, lilla gumman?" which means, "How's It Hanging, Grandma?" and it was big on the Swedish charts.
Henry Dashwood: For me, it's just a stop on the campaign trail, and for Glynnis it's a chance to launch Clarissa on society.
Daphne Reynolds: Launch her? You make her sound like a ship.
Henry Dashwood: No, in Clarissa's case it's more like an intercontinental ballistic missile.
Cassandra: Can you smell bluebells?
Rose: I can smell heaven.
Jerry Lynch: You just don't have the requisite Celtic soul, man.
Sarah Morton: Awards are like hemorrhoids. Sooner or later every asshole gets one.
Tigger: Aww, I just love a hoppy ending.