Bishop Cauchon: Poor, deluded Joan. She has no idea she has put a monster on the throne. Those are my last words as Your Majesty's spiritual advisor.
Satan: How do you expect to defeat me when you are but a man, and I am forever?
Mrs. Tingle: Oh, by the way... happy birthday.
Principal Potter: It's not my birthday, Mrs Tingle.
Mrs. Tingle: No, not your natal birthday, the AA one. You've been sober, how long is it now?
Principal Potter: Four years.
Mrs. Tingle: There! I knew it was this week. Me and dates, you know, that's the curse of being a history teacher. Well congratulations, that's quite an accomplishment. Just think, not one sip of alcohol in over four years, that's almost... unbelievable.
Donna: Where are we?
Joe: It's a little inlet, on the back side of Coashov Island.
Donna: Is that like up Shit Creek without a paddle?
Joe: Yeah, pretty much.
Detective McBain: I think I made the age-old mistake: Never trust a beautiful woman.
Voice of the Announcer: Meanwhile, back at Snidely's not-so-secret hideout.
Judge Tolliver: Myrl Redding didn't fail the law. The law failed Myrl.
Maurice Bendrix: I am a jealous man.
Stella Moorhouse: I'll never let the colour of your Dad come between us. It's not fair coz I love curry an' all.
Tariq Khan: Yeah. Nice one.
Twister: I got a four-year-old nephew who works harder than you do.
Moff: See ya later Pete, no-one gives a fuck about ya.
Oscar Novak: ...she has an ass so sexy, I struggle to understand it.
Albert Collins: Silence is the most beautiful noise in the world.
Dr. Bill Harford: Now, where exactly are we going... exactly?
Gayle: Where the rainbow ends.
Dr. Bill Harford: Where the rainbow ends?
Nuala: Don't you want to go where the rainbow ends?
Dr. Bill Harford: Well, now that depends where that is.
Gayle: Well, let's find out.
Joan of Arc: All you have to do is do as you're told. What could be simpler than that? I am the drum on which God is beating out His messages. And right now He is beating so hard, it's splinting my ears.
Jimmie: Just give me the damn symbolic vaginas.
Marco: You are sick.
Bottom the Weaver: Since lion vile hath here deflowered my dear.
Peter Quince: Devoured.
Alvin Straight: I want to thank you for your kindness to a stranger.
Danny Riordan, Clermont Resident: It's been a genuine pleasure having you here, Alvin. Write to us some time.
Alvin Straight: I will.
Theo Calder: I'm Dr. Calder. You've been charged with one count of murder and found incompetent to stand trial.
Pete: She had a demon in her for a while. My neighbour, Mrs. Karsh.
Theo Calder: Mm-hmm.
Pete: It would come and go. Nobody saw it... except me.
Theo Calder: What did it look like, the demon?
Pete: Um... Did you ever see "Alien" with Sigourney Weaver?
Theo Calder: It looked like a giant insect?
Pete: No. It looked like Sigourney Weaver.
Marcus: You can order anything you want so long as it's not what?
Simon Baines: Champagne.
Barmaid: What'll it be?
Marcus: Let me get a vodka tonic and a beer, please.
Simon Baines: I'd like to buy your most expensive bottle of champagne.
Marcus: Dumbass.