Weeds (2005)

Nancy Botwin: I can't believe I trust you with my drug money. You're an idiot.
Doug Wilson: I'm an idiot savant.

The Candyman: Heylia's a lazy fat-fat and I'm hoping to put her in a diabetic coma, so I have no problem selling to her.

Andy Botwin: Hey, Pants.
Nancy Botwin: Please tell me I didn't just hear that you had cyber sex with a fifteen-year-old deaf girl.

Shane Botwin: You can't miss the bear.

Andy Botwin: Man, how did you get so smart at what, sixteen? It took me years to learn slightly defective chicks are the way to go. I once went out with this girl with a baby arm, insane in the sack, plus when she grabbed my dick with her little hand it looked gigantic.

Andy Botwin: I paid for a full ounce, they fucking cheated me.
Nancy Botwin: They fucking saved your ass from going to jail.
Ms. Greenstein - Attorney: Still that's very uncool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.

Nancy Botwin: I'm the suburban baroness of bud, Nancy.

Shane Botwin: I think pink's really your color, you fuckwad.

Doug Wilson: It's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam only you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and shit.

Celia Hodes: Is it true what they say? That once a white woman's been with a carpenter she never goes back?
Conrad Shepard: Baby, once I nail something, it stays nailed.

Nancy Botwin: You promised me no kids.
Josh Wilson: Yeah, but they all want it, and they cry if you say no.

Nancy Botwin: People got stoned for The Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing.
Josh Wilson: It's not as disturbing as seeing it not stoned. Religion my ass, it's a straight-up snuff film.

Doug Wilson: Did you try the Sag Aloo? It's to die for and then be reincarnated and then die for again.

Nancy Botwin: I'm not a dealer, I'm a mother who happens to distribute illegal products through a sham bakery set up by my ethically questionable CPA and his crooked lawyer friend.

Nancy Botwin: Hey, that bag looks a little small.
Conrad Shepard: You never question Heylia's eyeballing. That's the rainman of weed right there.

Nancy Botwin: Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?
Celia Hodes: Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.

Quinn: Can we have sex in your house?

Nancy Botwin: Obviously menopause has effected your sense of smell.
Lupita: I don't smell with my coochie.

Nancy Botwin: You've made your bed, now fuck in it.

Nancy Botwin: Andy, today it was brought to my attention that the downside to this business is death, so right now I'm not thinking about "the bakery" I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.
Andy Botwin: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
Nancy Botwin: Ok, now I pledge never to die.