Doug Wilson: How do you ask the woman that makes your kids' lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? How, Andy?
Nancy Botwin: Obviously menopause has effected your sense of smell.
Lupita: I don't smell with my coochie.
Doug Wilson: It's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam only you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and shit.
Nancy Botwin: I don't give a flying fuck if you do have cancer, put your tits away in front of my kid.
Quinn: Ok, we are breaking up.
Silas Botwin: Come on, think of all the time this will save us on foreplay, just whisper, "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone," I'll be good to go.
Quinn: I could whisper, "Linoleum" and you'd be good to go.
Nancy Botwin: Hey, that bag looks a little small.
Conrad Shepard: You never question Heylia's eyeballing. That's the rainman of weed right there.
Nancy Botwin: Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?
Celia Hodes: Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.
Nancy Botwin: I'm not a dealer, I'm a mother who happens to distribute illegal products through a sham bakery set up by my ethically questionable CPA and his crooked lawyer friend.
Andy Botwin: I paid for a full ounce, they fucking cheated me.
Nancy Botwin: They fucking saved your ass from going to jail.
Ms. Greenstein - Attorney: Still that's very uncool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.
Andy Botwin: How can you be so blindly pro-Bush?
Doug Wilson: I like his wife Laura... I used to buy weed from her at SMU.
Doug Wilson: Did you try the Sag Aloo? It's to die for and then be reincarnated and then die for again.